Death By Chocolate Cake

The Joys of Minimum Wage

As a rule, I never insult or give a hard time to anyone doing something for me, especially if that person is working a minimum wage job. It’s pretty safe to assume that most folks working minimum wage don’t care much about their job. And why should they? Most of these jobs force people to work their tails off and pay next to nothing. And if this hard working person happens to get fired over, say spitting in your food after you yelled at him/her, it’s no biggie. There’s always another minimum wage job somewhere around the corner with the same crap work and insulting pay.

Having at least one of these jobs is, in my opinion, essential. It gives you a little perspective every time you have to wait an extra thirty seconds because a McDonald’s employee accidentally gave you a cheeseburger instead of a Big Mac. It’s certainly understandable to think, “C’mon. This ain’t rocket science. Would you step on it!” Particularly when you have hundred other things going on in your life and dealing with someone messing up is yet another headache you don’t need. But please, cut these people a break. These are undoubtedly horrible jobs and, if you’re not currently working one yourself, be thankful you’re not.

Fabulous Funerals

I enjoy funerals. Many people, in fact probably most people, hate them so much they go out of their way to avoid them. But before you decide that I must be some kind of heartless sick-o who seeks pleasure at the expense of the bereaved, allow me to explain.

Nobody ever gets up during a funeral to say a few words and belts out, “Wow. What a bastard!” Speeches always focus on how wonderful the person was, what he/she accomplished, and his/her influences and legacies. It’s hard to listen to these kind of stories and memories without thinking, “Wow. What an amazing life.” They give you perspective of your own life and may even inspire you to achieve your goals and dreams that you’ve been ignoring.

I most certainly appreciate the grief that people feel at these events. Loss is one of my greatest fears, especially the loss of someone I love. But it’s at these most painful low points in our lives where greatness begins. The most prominent life-changing moments in my life have been when I’ve come face to face with a loss.

So there you are at a funeral, possibly at the one of the most pivot moment in your life, and you hear speech after speech of how wonderful the recently deceased was. How can you not think this is wonderful moment? Painful? Yes. Difficult? Definitely. But the best things in life are never easy.

Kids in the Crosshairs

I already know I worry too much. But I’m certain I’m not alone when I say that I fret over my kids’ safety. It’s such a common theme just mentioning it makes some people, especially those without kids, roll their eyes and say, “Oh, no. Not another crabbing parent whining about precious Johnny or Susie.” On the other hand, I roll my eyes every time I hear people complain, “When I was a kid, I didn’t have safety pads when skateboarding or bike helmets, instead we had real steal-tipped arrows and explosive cherry bombs, yadda, yadda, yadda…” Well… so what? Does this mean that kids today live in a Plexiglas world where nothing can harm them and they never have to worry about ever getting hurt? Survey says…Errr! Wrong. How about armed kids in schools and vulnerability of your kid’s identity through the internet and creepy predators? It seems like for every safety harness added to protect kids there’s another bullet in the chamber waiting to knock them down.

It bothers me when folks are too far on one side of the fence or the other, either thinking that kids are far too protected or far too vulnerable. The fact is, there have always been dangers for kids. No matter what age you live in or were born in. The dangers have just shifted or changed from one generation to the next. I recall several summer days as a kid when I’d say bye to my mom and take off on my bike (no helmet) and I wouldn’t return for hours. Sometimes I was riding the whole time, and other times I’d make friends with some random kid and play until I got tired or bored. Was it safe then? No. Perhaps I wasn’t as susceptible to some things as others, but who’s to say I couldn’t have been hurt or killed?

Nevertheless, I worry about my kids. Every time they leave the house unattended, even if it’s just out in the front yard playing with some their friends who I know, I fear that something might happen and I might never see them again. I know it’s morbid, but that’s how fear works. Still, I let them go anyhow. Because if I don’t I also fear I’m not teaching them how to do things without Daddy hovering in their midst. Ugg, more fear.

No matter how you look at it, there’s always some sort of risk lingering out there. The best we can hope for, at least in my opinion, is to steer in a God-driven course and pray for that safety net should the wire get too shaky. And all the while, smile while you’re doing it. Smiling keeps at least some of the fears at bay, plus it makes others wonder what you’re up to.

Disney Buys Star Wars

In case you haven’t noticed from my occasional Star Wars references and comics of Star Wars characters, I kinda like the films. I wouldn’t go as far as calling myself a “fanboy” (a.k.a. total Star Wars nut), but I am admittedly about two steps away from such an honor. So it’s not so unreasonable that I was little surprised that Disney – an empire built on a mouse – shelled out over four billion smackers to buy this Jedi-centered epic. This certainly confirms my impression of Disney as being a super giant conglomerate.

Despite my apprehension toward accepting the fate of Star Wars, I’m sure there are some possible positive things that may come from it. For one, Disney has promised a new Star Wars movie every two to three years. Far better than the “Oh, whenever I get around to it,” carrot that Mr. Lucas had been dangling in front of fanboys for the past few decades. Plus, there may even be more bonus features in the upcoming episodes. In fact, I have another one of my notorious lists that has some possible additions to the Star Wars universe now that Disney is at the helm.

1.    Even More Annoying Pointless Characters – You thought Jar Jar and C3PO were annoying? Well, well, well. Now with the Disney “creative” horsepower, you better believe there will be even more annoying characters providing marginally funny slapstick undoubtedly intermixed with such quality entertainment like fart jokes and expressions that only a toddler would laugh at.

2.    Star Wars the Musical – Ever wanted to hear Luke Skywalker belt out a sorrowful dirge lamenting his troubles of starting a Jedi academy? Now with a Disney Star Wars steering the ship, you may just get your chance. And after all these toe tapping tunes are released from the movie, you can certainly count on the songs remade and re-released over and over again by whiney teenagers who remix the songs with an annoying “pop” beat. Fun!

3.    More Princesses – Ever notice how many females there are in the Star Wars movies? Not many. Heck, in the first Star Wars, you’ve got Aunt Beru (who’s killed off pretty quick), Princess Leia, and that’s it. This certainly doesn’t fit the Disney movie template. Why, over half of Disney’s clientele are female. They can’t expect to make enough money to buy their success (i.e. Lucasfilm and Pixar and the Muppets) without selling Star Wars products equally.

4.    Horrible Happy Endings – Ever see the end of Lilo and Stitch? I rest my case.

5.    Ineffective Blasters and Lightsabers – In case you haven’t noticed, nobody is ever shot and killed in the world of Disney films. And severing body parts with lethal light swords? No way. In the Disney Star Wars you can count on new and inventive ways that people will either avoid being shot or miraculously be unaffected by such lethal blows.

6.    Bye-bye Jedi – I don’t mean that there won’t be any Jedi in the new Star Wars, they’ll just suck. What makes Jedi cool is the fact that it is a religion in itself. Jedi live and behave accounting to rules govern by this spiritual, omnipresent force that “surrounds us, penetrates us, and binds the galaxy together.” Disney couldn’t possibly fund movies that back a religious theme. At least, not since the 1980’s when the Christian-centered company decided to become agnostic.

The Spice of Life

We’ve all heard the trite saying: variety is the spice of life. But how often do we act on this notion? I’m certainly guilty of being so predicable that I could step into most restaurants and a family or friend could guess what I want without hesitation. I even find myself getting angry when I drive into work see someone has parked in my spot. And if the local Publix stops stocking my favorite toothpaste, watch out.

Have you ever gone through the day and paid attention to all the little things that you do just out of routine? They kinda creep up on you. And they are typically little things like the order you put on your shoes or which seat you use at the dinner table or how many squares of toilet paper you use at a time. Since they are little things, ever try to mix things up here and there? It doesn’t have to be over the top, like going sky diving when you usually do something a little less risky like floss your teeth, although the latter is more likely to draw blood.

But I digress. Just look for all the little things that you do routinely. Especially the things that you may not even know why you’re doing it the way you’re doing it. Why? Well, why not? You may discover a better way of doing things. Or at the very least, you may discover the trite saying about a spicy life isn’t so trite after all.

We All Hate Math

Math. One of the scariest words for many kids and adults worldwide. Over the years I have had the unfortunate pleasure of tutoring various friends and kids and other unwilling participants with various math subjects. Not that I’ve ever liked math myself; I’ve always found it a boring necessity. I was just one of the weird kids who “got it”. The main problem with math is it’s pretty hard to BS it. In most other subjects, there’s always a degree of wiggle room where you can just make up something, and as long as it makes sense and you can talk other people into it, you’re gold. Even in science, there’re theories and hypotheses that sprout from someone coming up with what they think is true. This doesn’t seem to work with math. And for the creative at heart, figuring out problem after problem just isn’t worth the effort. Thus math is an evil beast contrived by the devil himself.

For those you who hate folks like me who do “get it”, rest assured that there is at least some justice in life. Because many of my friends and family have pegged me as the math guy, I’ve had the painful job of teaching the subject in various forms to these math haters. And believe me, teaching math to people who are repelled by it is about as easy as taking the square root of a negative number – yes, a corny math reference that roughly means that it’s impossible without using a little “i”magination (ba-dum, dum). As I struggle through these teachings, I continually ask myself, “So, how many different ways can I explain this until this guy/girl gets it?” So in short, I hate math as much as anyone else. Not only because it’s boring but because I’m often stuck dealing with it more.

Nevertheless, it’s pretty hard to live without math. Try to and you’ll end up gullible and poor, always paying more for things, even taxes – like people who play the lottery. It’s one of those subjects that won’t go away no matter what you do, particularly if you have kids and have to relive the horrors known as math. But at least you can take small comfort in knowing that you’re not alone. Trust me, it’s mathematically impossible.

Are You Ready for Some Football?

I admit it, I like watching football (American football). In fact, it’s probably the only sport that I do like to watch, and this is coming from someone who’s been a runner for the past 20 years. Most running is about as entertaining to watch as watching the natural progression of tooth decay. But football, watching oversized humanoids bash their bodies into submission just to get an inflated pig’s bladder down a field, now that’s entertainment. And apparently a few people agree, considering it’s the most popular sport in America – according to their website, the NFL generates about ten BILLION dollars a year. That number alone practically makes my nose bleed. I told you it was a violent sport.

I’ve read in several places how American football is so amazingly popular in America because the sport caters toward the overweight. Without their uniforms and padding, a typical football lineup resembles a fat camp with a few more tattoos. And only thing scarier than meeting these big boys down a dark alley is meeting up with their fans, who can easily outweigh the players. Football fandom is a sport in itself, requiring chips, pretzels, beer, ridiculous clothing, and accessories that may or may not compare the opposing team with a box of truffles without the nuts. A good screaming voice is also imperative, regardless if you’re actually at the game or not. To this day, my mom – who is one of the sweetest, loving people I know – is undoubtedly the queen of yelling at the TV every Sunday during football season. And the things she would say… well, I’m just glad those tender gentlemen in uniform can’t hear her.

Anyhow, I guess my point is football is entertaining. So turn on the tube, snap open a beer, and yell away.

Things I Thought I'd Never Say

Ever find yourself saying things that you never thought that you’d say? If you happen to be a parent, the answer to this is almost certainly yes. These moments kinda creep up on you and they often surprise you more than the person or people to which it’s directed. Here is every single phrase that I’ve spoken over the most recent years that have shocked me:

1. When you’re in the bath, use soap: This is obviously directed toward my kids. It only amazes me that I’ve said this, but I have to say this – every single night – otherwise, it won’t happen. I can understand forgetting this from a kid’s perspective. To them, bathtub is playtime. Doing responsible things like cleaning oneself comes second. But seriously… every night?!

2. I believe we have a misunderstanding: I’ve uttered this immortal phrase about a million times at work. It roughly translates into: Get your head out of your rear and listen to what I’m saying! Although I use the word “we”, I’ve never use this when I misunderstood something. If this happens, I simply apologize and move on. Unfortunately, when the jerk across the table or on the other end of the phone isn’t getting it, out comes this phrase followed by me speaking as if I were addressing a four-year-old.

That just about sums it up. You may be telling yourself, “Really? Just two?” But honestly, if you knew me well enough you’d realize that I’m not easily surprised by any of the off the wall, bizarre utterances that I might have rattled out. I know probably better than everybody how strange I can be.

Friendships

As I get older, I’m amazed how fleeting friendships can be. Friendships usually consist of scattered ornaments formed from intersecting lives. Some of our deepest friendships come from some of our most pivotal moments in our lives when you happen to be experiencing something at the same time and place as someone else. At least it is for me. I’m not trying trivialize friendships; I think they’re some of the most important things of life. But they are also some of the most fragile.

When I think back at all the friends that I’ve had over the years, I wonder where they all went. Fortunately, social media technologies now like Facebook have helped to reconnect us with people that we might have assumed we’d never see again. And sometimes, this is actually a good thing. Still, often when I “friend” someone on Facebook or vice versa, I may think, “Oh, wow. Look who it is.” And then life goes on. The friendship may or may not get rekindled. These prospects are particularly dim if our lives are in different places now, moving in different directions, and they often are which is why we haven’t seen each other in years in the first place.

In my life, I could probably count on one hand how many deep friendships I’ve had. I typically categorize this as my “best friends”. Perhaps this is just me, but nearly all of the friends I make are not who’d I would consider “best friends”. This, I’m sure, is mostly my doing. I’m not one to open myself too much to people if I don’t need to. I have a feeling I’m not the only one who does this. But those who I do connect with wholeheartedly, I’m forever changed because I had the pleasure of having this person in my life. And I’m thankful that one of my best friends is my wife.

Still, I can’t help but wonder why I’m no longer friends with so many other people I’ve had in my life. Particularly, my previous best friends. How did I lose them? How did we go from being inseparable to strangers? Perhaps it’s just me missing something that I no longer have. We all hate loss. So do I miss the friends, or just miss not having them?

Nevertheless, having these friends is wonderful. In fact, I’d encourage you to take the following challenge: Make a list of the best friends that you’ve had in your life. Then write a word or two describing something about you that's different now because you had these friends. I think you’ll be surprised how valuable these friendships really were, or are. I know I am.

Our Embarrassing Stories

Embarrassing stories. Everyone has a handful tucked away. The only good ones are those that either involves somebody else or happened long enough ago that they’ve lost the sting they once had. In any case, a major lesson that all embarrassing stories teach us how to laugh at ourselves. This is an essential life lesson and those who fail to learn it will most certainly have a hard time, with themselves and with others.

Here’s one embarrassing tail that took me several years to unveil. In retrospect, it seems funny that it took that long. But that’s how embarrassment works. We want to keep them hidden, but the only way to truly turn off the ouch is to let it loose:

The breeze chilled my half-naked body. I crossed my arms across my boney, 10-year-old chest as I waited in line for the most frightening thing known to kiddom; the high diving board.

I had been psyching myself up all summer to finally take the great plunge and join the ranks of all kids who’d been laughing at my cowardliness. And now, I watched as the over-sized girl climbed the ladder in front of me. I was next. I had been swimming for the past couple hours and my skin was wrinkled and damp. The approach of autumn was in the breeze and my knees were shivering. The girl ahead of me casually stepped out to the end of board and leaped off. She made it look so easy.

“C’mon, kid. Move it!” A kid nudged from behind.

I grabbed the cold steel railing and made my way up. I had to stay focused. I had given this plunge a lot of thought. I knew the only way I was going to survive was to have a plan. Mine had two goals: 1) Jump off the high dive and 2) swim to the bottom. I figured if I was going to do the impossible, I might as well did the impossible times two. The bottom was a full twelve feet, impossibly deep for a kid to reach simply by swimming down from the pool’s edge. Even at 10 years old, I somehow understood the basic principles of momentum and the water’s resistance and related buoyancy.

At the top, I stepped onto the board, my legs wobbly and my heart bouncing around so hard I could barely get a solid breath. “Just get to the bottom. Just get to the bottom.” I chanted in my head. Finally, I reached the end of the board. The pool looked to be a mile away. I took a breath, and jumped!

I fell, fell, fell. In my mind, it took a full minute before I reached the water. The second I did, I immediately began paddling down. I could feel myself slowing. I paddled harder and harder. Inverted and through the blur of the chlorine, I could see the pool drain above my head. Water pressure squeezed me. I paddled harder and harder. Until at last, I reached the bottom.

I flipped upright and looked up. And there, floating 12 feet above me was… my swim suit. I looked down. I was naked.

I kicked off the bottom and paddled up, up, up to the surface. My face broke through the water and I found the air for which my lungs were screaming. After a few breaths, I could hear the chorus of laughter of every kid, adult, and lifeguard pointing straight at me. Amongst the cackling, everyone took turns reciting what had happened, the jump, the bathing suit, the naked boy in the pool.

Defeated and mortified, I snatched my suit, swam to the side, struggled to get it on, and slugged out of the pool. Ugg. So much for accomplishing the impossible.