In case you haven’t noticed from my occasional Star Wars references and comics of Star Wars characters, I kinda like the films. I wouldn’t go as far as calling myself a “fanboy” (a.k.a. total Star Wars nut), but I am admittedly about two steps away from such an honor. So it’s not so unreasonable that I was little surprised that Disney – an empire built on a mouse – shelled out over four billion smackers to buy this Jedi-centered epic. This certainly confirms my impression of Disney as being a super giant conglomerate.
Despite my apprehension toward accepting the fate of Star Wars, I’m sure there are some possible positive things that may come from it. For one, Disney has promised a new Star Wars movie every two to three years. Far better than the “Oh, whenever I get around to it,” carrot that Mr. Lucas had been dangling in front of fanboys for the past few decades. Plus, there may even be more bonus features in the upcoming episodes. In fact, I have another one of my notorious lists that has some possible additions to the Star Wars universe now that Disney is at the helm.
1. Even More Annoying Pointless Characters – You thought Jar Jar and C3PO were annoying? Well, well, well. Now with the Disney “creative” horsepower, you better believe there will be even more annoying characters providing marginally funny slapstick undoubtedly intermixed with such quality entertainment like fart jokes and expressions that only a toddler would laugh at.
2. Star Wars the Musical – Ever wanted to hear Luke Skywalker belt out a sorrowful dirge lamenting his troubles of starting a Jedi academy? Now with a Disney Star Wars steering the ship, you may just get your chance. And after all these toe tapping tunes are released from the movie, you can certainly count on the songs remade and re-released over and over again by whiney teenagers who remix the songs with an annoying “pop” beat. Fun!
3. More Princesses – Ever notice how many females there are in the Star Wars movies? Not many. Heck, in the first Star Wars, you’ve got Aunt Beru (who’s killed off pretty quick), Princess Leia, and that’s it. This certainly doesn’t fit the Disney movie template. Why, over half of Disney’s clientele are female. They can’t expect to make enough money to buy their success (i.e. Lucasfilm and Pixar and the Muppets) without selling Star Wars products equally.
4. Horrible Happy Endings – Ever see the end of Lilo and Stitch? I rest my case.
5. Ineffective Blasters and Lightsabers – In case you haven’t noticed, nobody is ever shot and killed in the world of Disney films. And severing body parts with lethal light swords? No way. In the Disney Star Wars you can count on new and inventive ways that people will either avoid being shot or miraculously be unaffected by such lethal blows.
6. Bye-bye Jedi – I don’t mean that there won’t be any Jedi in the new Star Wars, they’ll just suck. What makes Jedi cool is the fact that it is a religion in itself. Jedi live and behave accounting to rules govern by this spiritual, omnipresent force that “surrounds us, penetrates us, and binds the galaxy together.” Disney couldn’t possibly fund movies that back a religious theme. At least, not since the 1980’s when the Christian-centered company decided to become agnostic.
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