Sorry!

Trying to find an easy way to add all my past blogs....doesn't seem to be working very well. I could have SWORN there was a way to change my publish date?

The drama

Date night was ok, started ok, ended great. He started saying he would come over my place but I had already made plans to have the kids here with Jessica. He said he was trying to make things easier on me. I guess that was pretty nice. But, I drove over there. It wasn't so bad, only 24 miles! We went out to dinner and talked about work and stuff. He did not reach other and grab my hand like he's done before. Although now that I think about it, I didn't have them really out there. Then he asked what I wanted to do, movie or dvd. I said DVD and he said he had one at home that was a good "buddy" movie. And I was like WHAT? and he said it again. I did NOT know what that meant and I was kinda hurt. All through the movie, there was no touching. At the very end, he asked me to call his phone again (he had a new phone and was wondering when it would start working) and while I was, he barely put his fingers near mine to touch them. It reminded me of like when you might be fighting/distant from your significant other and the other person was trying to bridge the gap. That's just what it reminded me of. So we got a little closer and then talked more intimately. At some point something was said and we started play fighting and stubbornly said neither one of us was going to be affectionate with the other. It was fun. Finally, he just grabbed me and pulled me closer. We cuddled and talked til 1 am. lots of fun conversation, he held me alot....have you read that book "the rules"? We talked about that and he kept teasing me because I've broken them all. I left feeling that I still really liked him and that he does like me...but it's going to be a slow road. He's slow to open up, but he does a little more each time. I can't push him, I don't want to. I want him to want to tell me and will allow him that time. I don't want to push for girlfriend status either for the same reasons. I see a future with him and all I can do is let it happen, not force it to. I am 100 % crazy about him. He did say that he found some of my articles on line. So that means that even though he was not calling me as much as he used to, he was "googling" me!! Also, I noticed that he was saying my name more, my full name --- that struck me for some reason.
ok, so the talk was about "what was wrong on Saturday?". He said he could feel that I was anxious and apprehensive. Why does everyone notice that?? It really bugs me. I said we really don't have to have this conversation, that it was no big deal but he wouldn't drop it. So I went into it, calm and even, how he was calling me alot at first and then after we had sex it stopped. I felt like I invited myself over on Saturday and he was all 'whatever' about it, and possibly just humoring me. And then he wasn't affectionate which made me feel even worse.

He said that he was actually playing hard to get, that he really did want to touch me but didn't. He wondered if I had the full intention of going over there to have sex. I was like NO!! My intention was to NOT have sex because I didn't want it to be where that's what we did everytime. He asked what I wanted out of this. Did I want something serious, did I want to be friends with no sex. I said I don't want something serious RIGHT NOW and he agreed. I said I don't want to be just friends either. When I asked him what he wanted and he took an eternity to answer me...

I told him that I had thoughts and feelings and I didn't know if he was in a place where he wanted handle that. I said that while we may not be ready for a serious relationship, I don't want this casual sex thing with little communication either. He said he had things going on too, I understood. He mentioned that he was a bit put out by my saying I was available M, W, F, Sa, and I was NOT available Monday. He said I was out on a date Wed. I was like WAIT A SEC, HOLD on, I was NOT on a date Wed, and I had gone out to meet a friend Mon night when he texted me late Monday evening. So was it possible that he was jealous?
I even went as far as telling him that my phone was dying that night, that Jonathan actually took his phone battery, put it in mine so that I could text back. Now why would I even mention him if I was on a date?

So, I think we ended the talk on a good note. We were to meet the next day because he wanted to buy a game system from a friend of mine. So the next evening, he called, and I met him in the Chili's parking lot (our first kiss place). I sat in his truck with him and we talked about work and general chit chat. I was afraid how he would act after the talk, that maybe I was too much trouble for him..but he grabbed my hand, even asked me for a kiss early on. Kissed me when I left, asked me out for this week. I was on cloud 9. He is leaving town this Friday for TWO WHOLE WEEKS to do his reserve duty. He gets to see his kids though and he is bringing them back for a whole week to be here for Thanksgiving. I am really happy for him. He seems to really want to be with them. I asked him what he was going to do with them while he worked and he said they were old enough to stay home. I was like HUH? How old? 11. Um NO! That is not old enough to be in an apt all day!! He said ok, ok, he would figure something out. He said maybe he would bring his mom back. LOL. Sheesh.

So.....that's that. I left feeling "in love" even though I know it's too early for that. I wonder how the 2 weeks will be. Will it make the feelings fade? Will it make them stronger? Will he call me more from over there? Will he want to see me right when he gets back? Will I meet his kids? How will I hold up with him gone? sigh.....


11/1 We've been on like 8 or 9 dates now...he's slowly opening up to me....he stays in tune with me, things I say, and asks me about them later. that's what gets me I think.
The physical is slowly getting better. I am learning what he likes and what he doesn’t. He seems to be happy with my being the more passive one, he likes simple kisses over anything. I like it! I’m not easily taken, it’s just HIM that I like. I’ve had so many other toads and I never thought “wow, I could really love this person”. Not even the “flings” with the office guys or others. I may have liked their personalities and felt crazy about them but not the L word. Not even close. It’s only been 4 weeks…but anyway, I was just caught in the moment, like I said. Not ready to actually go there yet.

Oct 30, 22007
God, I feel like total dog crap....do you mind helping me out with this one? I've been talking with my bf's bf/husband about her bday coming up. She knows I have, I keep no secrets from her...the other day he mentioned my issues with Nick while we were talking and gave me some sound advice. I appreciated it. I told my bf about it. Last night, while talking about which necklace he was to get her, he admitted he had a dream about me. He said that he thinks it was brought on by us talking about me and NIck. He never said what we did in the dream but it's pretty obvious.
That dumbass accidentally texted her thinking it was me saying "Are you going to tell her that we talked" she's all, what do you mean, etc etc and I told her please do not be mad, it's totally stupid, but he had a weird dream about me, it means nothing, blah blah blah....well she is FURIOUS. Saying that it was unacceptable for him to call me with advice (unsolicited, mind you) and for me to tell her about the dream. But I know her, had it come up later, she would have freaked out worse for me not telling her. I feel so awful....I feel it's my fault for being so open about my sexuality with Nick...I should have kept it all to myself...I know she is insecure for being overweight and my body is becoming more tone, we used to always be kinda the same...the thing is, he did cross the line and talk about my body a little bit and I blew him off, made light of it, (I will never tell her that part of it) and I feel like this is totally my fault. I just want to run and hide. I feel so ashamed and sad....please help me feel better....I never wanted to hurt her...

He was texting me the past week to arrange her bday surprise. She knew all along, it was pretty much choreographed by her. She trusts me 100 percent. I told her everything we said. But he took me for a loop when he started saying all those things. I never even guessed, we've been friends for like 5 years and there's never been anything like this. He's seen me at my worst, I don't even try when he's around. I think that's why I am so hurt and shocked....

I feel really bad about this, like I know how I am and I haven't kept it under any restraint lately but I never meant to hurt HER. I feel like I was asking for it somehow by being that way with OTHER guys....


Nov 1, 2007
Nick and I went to the movies last night. He seemed to tense up when his phone went off and he looked at it. It may just be my imagination, but…? Afterwards, he came over. Jessie got to meet him. Mom had been all mad at me because I wasn’t going with the kids to trick or treat but I couldn’t explain that he was going on reserve duty. Anyway, we just watched tv, stroked each other. He was actually touching me when he fell asleep. We were both so tired from staying up the night before talking so late. The sex is getting so good…wanted to go down on him, but get this—he had to take a shower first. I put it with the whole hand washing thing. But I was ok with it. It seems that he can never finish when we are doing it, only when I give him a BJ. Sacrifices, sacrifices. Anyway, he asked what time did he have to leave in the AM. I was so happy, but also nervous. I figured I wouldn’t be able to sleep well, like when you are in a strange place. Even though it was my bedroom, it was strange to have another man in it. I ended up sleeping like a baby. Totally peaceful. Thank God I woke up in time because I had not set my alarm. I eventually took a shower and we made love again. I almost dropped the L word because I was caught up in the moment and he said “already?” but I think he thought I was already finishing, not sure. LOL. Em did come down once, but I had the doors locked and I told her to go to bed. Close call!! The dogs were driving me nuts though. I have a sneaky suspicion he doesn’t like dogs. He texted me after his dr appt and said “Pal, just got back from the dr office. I’m pregnant” LOL. I was like “is it mine?” LOL. He never msged back and I don’t care. I’ve had my dose for the day! But what happens now..while he’s gone. That’s the interesting part!!

Nov 2, 2007
This is crazy, I keep trying to work and drifting off to think about Nick, they way he holds me, the things he says, the things he does to me. I wonder if he thinks about me, what he thinks about, does he like it…there have been times when I ask what he’s doing and he says thinking of me, which is sweet. Is this what it feels like to be falling in love? I can’t even remember anymore. I just know it feels good and lately I haven’t been a mess, wondering if he’s gonna call, etc. I guess him spending the night and seemingly making plans to be around for a while (talking about the pill, how long it takes to become effective, etc) helped solidify things? Although nothing is ever set in stone, for sure…I finally friended him, thinking, ok now, if he spends the nights, has slept with me a total of five times now, I would think that is good enough to friend him on myspace. LOL
Funny how if I open my inbox, the first three items are a message from Todd, a message from Nick and an email from Jonathan. Loves it!! I cannot wait to get home, get my running clothes on and go for a run.
Nov 3, 2007
Nick seemed to text me quite a bit today. I checked first thing this morning to see if he friended me and he did. His page was a little boring so I am not clear on why he logs in every damn day. There was some girl who seemed to leave somewhat suggestive comments, “miss you”, etc but she hasn’t commented in almost two months. Anyway, he sent me a text saying that he friended me and “am I happy now”. I was like well…..yeah! Was that so hard? He said “smartass – nothing special about my page”. I said, nothing special about mine either. He said are you kidding? I’m so envious of your writing prowess its like god herself touched your hand. Or maybe santanas. Hail santanas. I said look who’s being a smartass now. He said don’t be so modest, I rarely compliment girls, I mean people on their writing. And the he said there was something he’d been keeping from me. I was like what? He said he had a mental affliction. I said What? He said he had add, and that now was my chance to bail. I asked if he was asking me to bail? He said it was for my own good. For the longest time, I didn’t know how to respond. I was a little hurt, not sure whether or not to believe him. So, finally, I said, “I’m sorry what? I was distracted”. He said Nevermind. Have a great day. I was like you need to call me. He said he doesn’t call girls they call him. I said “it was a joke, get it? ADD?” he said it wasn’t funny to him. So I waited a while and asked him if he was mad at me. He said no big deal, he was just making me sweat and I was like you so love to do that. He waited a while and then said so what are your feelings about me having ADD. I said I’m fine with it. It’s not a big deal to me, is it to you? I like you the way you are. And that was it for a while. And then a few hrs later, he sent, I need my shirt back it was a gift. I said NO! you can have it when you come and get it. And then 3 hours again later, he asks what I thought of his page. I said I hadn’t been home very much all day and that I would study it when I got home. There better not be any hoes on there. He said they are all respectable women and the only hoes are the first three (guys). I asked if I was still on bottom. He said he knew I preferred being on bottom. I said ha. Ha. Ha. I enjoy being on top but my legs hurt. He said do 100 squats a day. I said I’m on it! And BTW, I saw your page. I liked it. I will visit often. He goes, don’t bother, I haven’t updated it in 2 years. I said Fine. And that was the end of that. And can I just say that all that morning texting was taking place while JC was talking my ear off? I totally think he is smitten with me!! I kept having to tell him to hold while I replied. And then I let JC go and they were both texting me at the same time. Too funny! I am the Mac Daddy!!
Earlier, I talked to Bev about possibly making a fake myspace page for a guy just for the sake of having guy comments on my page, because they are mostly all girl comments. But later, JC made a myspace page and added me! So, it would seem that maybe he will leave me some comments? LOL. Sheesh. This is crazy…JC is crazy about me, is married but getting a divorce, taking me out Nov 26th. He is a totally Nice guy….but….not sure about the physical attraction. Nick holds my heart in his hands. I don’t know if he is kidding about this ADD thing, though I don’t know why he would kid and then bring it back up to me later, so it must be true. If that is the case, then I have to wonder how that would affect the relationship? So far, I trust him. I feel safe with him. But that could be because he’s being very quiet about himself right now. He did mention the other day that he forgot to take his pill and joked about Lithium. So…if he IS on medication, what are the side effects? The sexual thing? Anything else? Are his habits of being distant a symptom or just normal? So many questions. But I am not one to make him feel bad about the situation and even I could see that he was giving me an out, even if he was joking about it. All I know is that I miss him. I wish I had more with him. And the scary thoughts are, what if he is just like William? I’ve never seen him mad. But I am scared to go there….



Nov 8, 2007
Nov 8 – He finally msg'ed me....he said "I'm super, thanks for asking. How's the dating thing going, breaking any hearts?". Yesterday I had txted him from your driveway because I hadn't heard from him. I said "Just wanted to say HI and hope you are having fun with your kids". So when I read that, I figured he saw JC on my myspace, etc and that has to be why he hasn't msg'ed me. He pouts. So I replied "I'm not dating anyone at all. U? Call me crazy, but I miss you. Guess you are psychic". He said "about what?" "I said about when you said I would be missing you more than you would miss me". he said "that was a joke" and I go "So you DO miss me!" and he goes "Looked up definition of miss - to avoid or escape. So, yes, very much". I was like "you brat." So....I think he is 1) playing hard to get again, or making it to where I am dying to see him when I go down there or 2)He was jealous and pouting or 3)He is too busy to bother txting me because he doesn't like me as much as I like him. So anyway, I am just glad that he txted me. And the way he nonchalantly said that makes me feel there was more to it than he wants to admit. I know I am toying with him, too, but if he would just say that he doesn't want me to see anyone else, I wouldn't. I think its time to have the talk again. But gawd, I just don't want to go there already! What to do, what to do....be honest about what I want and how much I like him or keep it to myself and keep this little thing going a little longer.....
BTW, that little "thing" I have with husbands? I'm beginning to think it's not my fault. I was talking to Debbie's husband for a good while yesterday and then later that night to Deb and she told him (he had made some joke about how it was time she got naked) "Marci will" and he was like "alright!" and then later he said "we could do whatever, Deb won't care"....so I know he was joking and I guess I don't mind but do you see how I am innocent in this matter? What is your take on why my friends seem to be putting me in the hot seat?
I can't figure this out. He didn't call me ALL weekend even though we were in the same city....my feelings are very hurt and I am ready to back up in case its just not going anywhere. My personal opinion - it's not....so what I can't figure out is, why would he go to such pains to tell me, then not call me? What does he want? Some other gfriends are saying he's playing some sort of game with me. Some say, he's not "familiar" how to be "out there" since he only divorced in August. Some say I might be scaring him because of how "good" we could be....in the end, he didn't call, I'm sad, but ok, picked up two books on stages of dating so maybe that will help with Nick or the next guy. Ran into Luke this morning....so handsome....made tentative plans to get together...sweet...
Going on day 4 of no communication. Never been this long since we first started talking a month and 8 days ago. Feeling like I want to text him and just say "Hey! Hope you're doing ok!" but everytime my hand reaches for the phone I have to stop myself. I hate these games we play. I hate that I have to "guess" what he's thinking. We are both pretty stubborn and have had stand offs before, but not like this. Mostly playing. He's probably blowing me off, "ending it".....just gotta keep going! But it's so hard!!
I am consciously making efforts to come across as a great girl, but I have my boundaries. A few times, he's caught me on it, know that he's made me mad or something (funny). I can barely remember what his face looks like when he smiles anymore, his kisses. I'm afraid I may be fading in his memory too....I miss him. I want to call him....but I can't.....so hard!!
i'm not going to tell him that he hurt my feelings. However, if it's anything like our past experiences, he's going to KNOW and confront me with it. If he does, he does. If he doesn't, then so be it. I am thinking more and more about HIM not ME so I am willing to wait and give him the space he needs because right now, I think he's worth it so if it works that's just great. I'm ok if it doesn't too. Or I will BE ok. LOL. Trying to be healthy even though my arms ache for him, etc etc. I think I am being over emotional too because I started last night.

My friend Kim says men can not do more than one thing at a time. So while he's on duty and doing the dad thing, he can't be there for me too.
I don't want to talk to him today. I need time and space too. Maybe tomorrow or Wednesday.
Nov 15, 2007
I gave in, I sent him a message through his email and myspace:
Here's a copy of the email I sent Nick:
Dear Nick,
It's been a while since I've heard from you. I figure it's because
a) You are really busy.
b) You are very tired from everything.
c) You are mad at me for something.
d) You're not mad, but you don't care to talk to me.
I wanted to send you a text today but since I texted Friday and got no response, I thought I would try my luck via email. I hope everything is going well for you and that your family is doing great, too. Are your kids still coming back to stay with you next week?
Nick, I've been thinking about what you asked me the other day, about how the dating thing was going for me. That was a really strange question for me to hear from you. I know that you tend to joke around alot and have "diarrhea of the mouth" just like I do. So, it could be nothing. However, it has been on my mind nevertheless. (I think I know why you asked...) I know we are not in a serious or committed relationship, but it still kind of threw me off....I for one would not ask you how your dates were going, joking or otherwise, because I am a jealous freak. As long as I don't know any details, I'm fine.
I would like to know what your thoughts are behind that question? I am kind of at a crossroads here. If I say I am not dating anyone, you might think that I expect more out of you and me than what we have (a fun, casual dating thing). OR if I say I AM dating other people, that may make you somewhat unsettled and/or make me look like I am playing around with alot of guys. I am totally going out on a limb saying that because I haven't heard a peep out of you in the past couple of days....
Another alternative is that you are trying to get rid of me. You told me about the ADD thing and that is a non-issue with me, but you said it was my chance to bail. So, If I am being dense, and you DO want me to bail or are in general just tired of me, please just tell me. I usually do not get hints that well. I'm kinda dingy that way.
You do not know how I wished I did not have to make a big deal about this. I just noticed you stopped responding to my messages and while I know you are busy with other things, I thought there might be a chance that something else is bothering you. I care about you and was looking forward to seeing you more but if that is not something you want, I would really appreciate your honesty. And please refrain from teasing me for the time being. I am already confused enough as it is.
Thanks, Marci
PS - I was totally kidding with that myspace message, about you missing me. I was just having fun?!
PSS - I apologize for this being so long. I know you said you do not communicate by email very well, but it was the only option I had left. No texts, and I don't want to call and intrude on your time at work or with the kids. So maybe you could call me when you get a chance. My schedule is open.
I was a nervous wreck when I sent it. I saw when he actually read it in myspace and felt like an eternity when he finally responded. He said “Dear Stalker….err…Marci. Couldn’t resist teasing you. So many questions in that convoluted email. Where to start. No, I am not trying to get rid of you. I forgot the other questions.”. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The next morning, he texts “Did you get my email?” I said yes. He said “Was it mean or funny?” I waited a long time before I responded. Then I said “Both”. But, of course, my stupid cell didn’t send it. So, later, he said “your nonresponse answered my question”. I said I answered you!
Then he called me at work and I couldn’t hear what he said in the beginning, I think it was “hey baby” or something like that and he goes “you’re really pissed at me huh?” I evaded the question as long as possible, saying maybe, but not for what he thinks…he said that he enjoyed reading my email. I’m like great, glad you find amusement in my turmoil. He kept trying to get out of me why I was mad and I played the “if you don’t know, then don’t worry about it”. I find it very strange and weird how we just automatically play these games, we fall into these roles with canned responses. I can’t even believe I say half the things I say!

Then he casually asked where I went when I mentioned the hotel. (He asked me if I was still running every day and I said I did Friday and then the treadmill on Saturday in the hotel). I’m like what do you mean where did I go??? Ugh he is maddening.
We talked all lunch hour. I felt a little bad because I went to lunch with Cecilia and her husband and then to Radio Shack. I barely ate a bite and talked all the way through everything, and then some when I got back, in my car. Still, we talked about A LOT. Mostly, just about “us” and how each of us “is”. How I’m jealous, would NOT ask him about what he’s doing/dating, if I WAS jealous/angry he wouldn’t know about it because I wouldn’t say anything. He says “what, you would just internalize it” I’m like yeah, and he says he would know, because it would come out in subtle ways (can I just say that is what I love about him? He’s no dummy). He made jokes about getting a rabbit. I didn’t get it at first, then I did – a reference to “fatal attraction” where the girl goes psycho and boils the guy’s pet bunny. I told him I wouldn’t take it out on a bunny, just him.
The longer we talked, the more intimate and straightforward the questions became. He asked “Did you think I’d forgotten about you? Did that hurt your feelings?” I answered simply, yes, very much. He said he had told me he missed me the other day. We argued about that because I said I would have remembered that. He swears he did. Then I remembered a message he sent me “Looked up definition of Miss: to avoid. So yes, very much…” He goes, “that was a joke!” Then, more seriously, “yes, I miss you”. Also, he asked if I was mad that he didn’t call me while I was in San Antonio . Again, simply, yes. He says that he was not comfortable just calling and inviting himself over to hang out with me. He knew I had the kids. He didn’t know our schedule. He says I could have called him. I reminded him about that other girl he told me about, the one who he says “won’t leave him alone” and how I wouldn’t be that girl. Also, I DID call/txt him with no response.
He brought up what I said in the email, about him asking how my dating was going. He claims he is just nosy, that he likes to ask a lot of questions. He kept touching on the subject and then we’d be off on another topic til he’d come back to it again. He asked how many guys I WAS talking to. Kept trying to wheedle it out of me and I just kept saying “it’s not important, it doesn’t matter, I’m not answering that….you’re not jealous anyway, right??” Not that I was saying there were so many, just that it was a non-issue. LOL. He figured out it was just ONE. He asked if it was an “Old friend” several times (in reference to a bulletin I filled out one night. Nice to know he reads them, and remembers them!) In it, it asked “What did you do last Friday?” I said “Had a long talk with one of my best friends – Bev – and had a missed connection with an old friend.” Finally, I broke down and told him the whole Jc mess. Told him everything and he asked more probing questions: Does he text you a lot? Yes What does he say? Asks about my day, school, everything. Very attentive. Have yall talked about me? I’ve mentioned you, but we don’t talk about you in depth. Is he a good kisser? I’ve not kissed him. Am I a good kisser? Lol Yes. Oh, now you are just saying that. No, I’ve told you that before…and then wistfully, “It seems like forever till I can kiss you again….” . He asked if I was attracted to him (Jc), was the guy good looking, what did he do for a living, did I like Jc more than I liked Nick (no way!), why did I talk to him Because I had nothing better to do. Because he gave me tons of attention when Nick wasn’t.….on and on. The whole time, calm voice, no anger or anything. I guess that satisfied his curiosity. That night, I emailed Jc and told him that I need to focus on my relationship with Nick and that I can’t offer more than Friendship, the date for the 26th was off. He was very nice about it. He needs closure too, with his pending divorce.

He said that I was in control in the beginning and now he wants to be??? I asked how and he says I made him wait longer than anyone else. What does that mean?? That all the other girls just give it up to him? I wasn’t happy with that. At the end, I asked “what did we learn from this conversation?” He says I’m crazy. I said he drives me crazy and he says he found me that way. He asked if it would make me feel better if he made more of an effort. I said yes, that would be very nice. He thought I was being sarcastic. I said just because I said something nice doesn’t mean I’m being sarcastic! LOL. He did say “bye sweetie, bye honey bear”, and I said “bye sweetie”. Our first time to call pet names. This morning he sent “Hi. How are you? I’m fine”. I said “LOL. Fine. A little tired”. I guess that was his effort for today. Jerk. I love Nick Sanchez.

Nov 16, 2007
Nick sent me another text message EARLY this morning. I got up and did the trail at 5:30 with Pam and it was really cold. When I got back and woke Mal up and got up in the shower. While I was in there, she came in and told me I had a message from Nick. He said "In case I forget, I'm fine, how is your day so far?" It was only 7:00am. LOL. So I guess that was his effort for today. I replied "Fine. LOL. Already did my 3 miles. It's cold". Later, he msged again - "I'm two for two. I expect a huge reward." I said "I figured that was your plan!" He goes "So pessimistic. Does the cop use that word?" I replied "Pessimistic? I'm excited. (Ignoring that other comment.)
After I got to the office. He called. I'm always shocked when I see his name on my phone as a call. We talked for about 30 minutes or more. He asked me about Bev and how we made out after the whole David debacle. The he asked "how's your other friend?" I'm like who? He's like, the cop....I told him that he was texting quite a bit the other night so I sent him a message that I couldn't offer more than friendship right now. I wanted to concentrate on my relationship with Nock (did not tell N that part). Jc was cool with it. Nick said "I hope you didn't do that on my account." I said "I didn't. I did it because he was smothering me." We talked about his reserve duty and how he was in and out and may get in trouble. I talked about my promotion and incentives and he was so fast to see the whole picture, how stressful it could be. It was awesome. I love that. He asked me if I wanted to meet his parents. I was so cautious to answer because I just new he was trapping me in a joke or something. LOL. He's so crazy. He said he didn't know what I missed the most, him or the physical aspect of us. I said, that was easy! Him! He said I was just saying what he wanted to hear. I said No, it's true. (So he wanted me to say that! Ha!). We talked about my being on the pill and how long it was before it was effective. Gosh, I cannot wait to feel him again. Whenever I think about him, about kissing him and going in me, my eyes get all glassy, my stomach flips over and I totally fumble all around. I don't know what I am going to do when I see him. I want to run to his arms and kiss him a million times. Or should I let him grab me? I just keep thinking of that third or fourth date, when he came up to hug me and I was all surprised. He did ask what I thought of our little phone calls and I just said I was surprised. He asked why I make such a big deal about everything. I said that's not a big deal, he never calls. So I am surprised. LOL. I have got to remember to keep it cool. I told him he might be happier not asking me so many probing questions because I am going to answer honestly

The sex

The first time
.......it sucked.........

And I am so depressed I ran three miles this morning at 6 am on very little sleep and a slight hangover, went to whataburger and then did a kickboxing class. My body can barely move without hurting.I'm ok about the sex thing but what is he thinking? Is he even going to call me again? He said it was because he was nervous (I have a hard time believing that), and he had a couple of drinks so that made it worse....

Ugh I am such a mess.

On our 2nd date we had conversation on what is ideal time to wait…just in general, not necessarily us. As time went on we did talk more about “us” and he knew that I would rather wait, to get to know him better, etc. I was so hesitant to even go to his house and he knew it, but he made me feel better and was always respectful. Then he made hints he wanted to come over so that was cool, got rid of kids and went to dinner and then my house. All along, he would make comments like “Christmas is going to be special this year…our first time…” like he was gonna have to wait till xmas, kidding. But lots of flirtiness to where I felt like that’s all we talked about anymore. Felt like it was looming over us and it was pissing me off a little, because I want to know him more. We have a great connection, great chemisty, great conversations and fun…didn’t want to lose that. So we finally did and it just went on and on and on…switching positions, etc till he was like “told ya it was gonna suck” and he said it always takes him a while, plus we had drinks with dinner. I took it a little personally, how could I not? He said he was nervous. Then his phone going off at midnight several times did not make my mood any better….so anyway, he stayed a while then left and I felt so awful…he usually texts me right after a date but this time I sent him one about “sorry about tonight, just feel bad” and he again said he was nervous, he "never cums on the first time”…so now I was all wondering if he’s lost interest, is he going to call again. Is he embarrassed or what? Also I was just coming off my p. and doing that started it up again!! (ugh!) but the actual act for me was so nice. He was so gentle and sweet, even went down immediately (not expecting that)…sigh…
His body is different from what I’m used to. But I think I could get used to it…he finally did text me last night at 10 pm and said “the day after and no phone call? I feel so cheap”. So he kinda joked about it. Here’s the deal, I absolutely refuse to chase him. I don’t want that shift of power, it’s very important to me. Does that make sense? Then this morning, he texted “still have the wii?” so it’s like all impersonal, no softness like before. It’s upsetting me. What do you think? I wouldn’t mind a nonphysical relationship, in fact I was so upset, I emailed this other guy that had emailed me like 2 weeks ago (he was one I liked before Nick) and this morning I asked this guy I used to work with out (hot hot hot!)…

Redeemed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Went on my date with Jonathan and while I was on the freeway on the way to the restaurant, Nick texts me "when can I expect you?" I'm like WTF? My battery was running low so I didn't text right away till after I got to restaurant and had my first drink. I said "time and place baby" and he said "my place. right now." Jonathan knew he was texting me and was cool about it and later said that Nick was probably freaking out because I hadn't responded right away, so Jonathan takes my phone, puts his battery in mine because we have the same phone and texts back "can't right now, try again later" and puts a little devil smilie. I made it home with a dead phone, plugged it in and saw he had NOT tried to msg me back. So I did, saying "I just got home, are you still there? Thinking about me?" And he's all "who's this". and then says "I'll just see you sometime next week". And I'm like huh? that's too long (a little tipsy right then) and he's like "You're so busy, I don't want to disrupt your life. Do ur thing. We'll see each other when we can." He was friggin pouting!! Give me a break!! So I said "I like you. I want to see you. I'll make room for you" but seriously I was like I am not going to beg him. I said "Don't be that way. Come over" and he goes "now?" and I'm like "after 9:30. I am dying to kiss you. If you make me wait, I'll be sad." So he came over. Heehee. We watched 48 hours something or other where they have to solve the crime in 48 hours and then we did it. Except it was taking forever again. I don't mind being on top but sheesh. Finally he took off the condom and it was much better. It was so great, he even said I was so tight which of course made me feel so much better after Saturday's debacle. He pulled out. He's still a little paranoid about that. I'm in love.

The dates

Joe said, you never know things may change for you tonight. anything is possible! I said “way to get my hopes up”….That same day I decided to finally email Nick. His was a simple photo with sunglasses. Nothing eye grabbing there. His profile was so short, “Anyone hate going to the movies alone? Me too. We can go as friends first and maybe more later. Love to make people laugh”. I mean, what a loser, right?? All the others I liked were long, funny, revealing. But then again, none of those jerks worked out, and Ceci kept pushing me to email him back. He replied with his ph number, saying to give him a call.

His profile said:
Anyone hate going to the movies alone. Me too. We can go as friends at first and maybe more later. Love to make people laugh.

I called him after work, but he was still at work, told me to call him after 6, when he got off. I was really busy, didn't get to call till 9, no answer, I hung up. I called at 9:30, left a message. He emailed me later and said to call him on his lunch break....why on his lunch break? why did he have time to email me but not to answer his phone? Anyway, just my first thought. I don't care anyway....he's an engineer at a local news station. My first thought was that he was married, cheating on the side.

Friday, I went to happy hour (my first time ever!) and told Ceci, “after two drinks, do not let me near my cell phone or email!” But sadly, when she sawing me texting Nick, she was just like ok, whatever! The bad thing was that I had been calling him restricted so he couldn’t see my cell phone number. I was afraid that he would call, get my voicemail, figure out where I work and come chop me up in little pieces! But it was cool, talking. He was in the Air Force and is still active in reserves. The funny thing is, I don't know how long he's been divorced. When I told him a little about my experience, he goes, "Can I ask you a question....Are you crazy?" LOL. But I explained my struggle with wanting to do what's right and how my patience eventually ran out. He still asked me out, so I guess that satisfied him. He called me for a short period of time on Saturday to arrange the date for Sunday.

Meeting him was a little nervewracking because my contact was giving me problems. I had to take it out while I was at a red light! I watched the whole movie with one hand over my eye.


Brown hair, brown eyes, mustache. He dressed casual, jeans, button up shirt, shirt underneath (wasn't impressed with his outfit, just kinda plain.) The movie was at 4:35 and we ate dinner after. Got home about 8:45 because I made a wrong turn and found my contact ripped!
I offered him popcorn or otherwise he wouldn't reach around my knee to get it. I wanted to put my mouth on his the moment I saw him, but maybe my vibe wasn't strong enough? The most he did was rest his arm next to mine on the armrest. I thought I was going to org@$m LOL. Sorry, but true. At the end of the date, by my car, some innuendo was made (I think by him, on accident) and I looked at my watch and said well, I have a few minutes. but we just laughed and got in our cars. Oh well, maybe next time. Guess it's better than the alternative, had he been all over me, I would've been pissed. So now all he's done is intrigued me and made me lust over him. Smooth.


He hasn't called or emailed....do you think he will? should I call/text him? What should I do? I don't want to lose this one!!

He didn't call all day Monday, that's ok. He called Tuesday during his lunch hour. I told him I would call him later with ideas on what to do for Wednesday. He said ok. I texted him at 9 to see if he was up. No answer. I called him at 9:30. No answer. I left my number. He called me this morning on his way to work....does this sound weird to you? I guess I am leery of stuff like that because I know Wil used to do that shit, call his little girlfriends on his way to work or on his lunch but never at home.....


yesssssssssssssssssssssssss He called!!!!!!!!!!!!!! wooohoooooooooooooooooooooooo date for tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nick called me yesterday on his lunch! Asked me out for today. Dinner around 7:45. Actually, he didn't know what to do, said he was "thinking and thinking" so that made me feel like he was thinking about me and that is cool! I told him I would call him that night to give him some options...so I did, I called him at 9. And 9:30. No answer. Did I tell you that it happened that way the other night too?

Anyway, Friday night I sat next to this young guy at the bar. He and his friend spoke the most beautiful spanish I have ever heard. After 2 drinks, we started talking. He asked me out to this club where his friend was Dj'ing. I was cracking up. I was like "Do you know how old I am???". He didn't even look old enough to drink. Cute though. It was cool. He said he could tell from my accent when I spoke spanish that I was from Monterrey. He's from Mexico City. I was like ok, whatever, same spanish, isn't it? Guess not. He gave me his myspace address on a napkin. Isn't that bizarre? I had fun. I guessed his name right on the dot (Raul) and I didn't believe it when he was like Yeah. He showed me his license. I don't know how I did that. I must be psychic when I drink Long Island Ice Teas

Ok, date #2: We met at Chili's for dinner. Talked about work, ate, and sat there talking about lots of stuff. Eventually we went outside, lingered outside his truck, then went in it because I was cold. We talked some more, listened to the radio. He never held my hand, never tried to touch me. Just friendly talking, teasing, joking. Nothing out of line or suggestive. I really enjoyed it and loved that it was so....easy.

I finally said I had to go, would he walk me to my car. Again, more talking. We got quiet for a little bit, and he said "Can you feel the tension?" I was like "yup". He was like, "how much longer are you gonna give me?" I was like "10...9....8...". He laughed, saying that wasn't long enough. Finally he kissed me. So gentle, so sweet. I pulled away after a few seconds. I liked it too much, I like to show restraint. We talked some more, kissed about two more times. I finally left. He had made some comment about how I "intimidated" him...but I don't know HOW? lol.

He started messaging me when I got home, saying that he apologized for being so aggressive. I was like shut up...he said he was going to punish himself with 7 months probation (In reference to a topic of "bad boys", "bad girls" how they just sleep with anyone, and how long we thought the best time should be, other than till marriage). He sent several sweet messages (text) that night. Stuff like “I am so sorry I was out of control…there is only one way to rectify it.” I was like “you’re right…we need to get married”. He was like “I was gonna say eat a big bowl of ice cream.” I was like “or that”. The next day, he messaged again, saying he was thinking of me, etc. totally sweet and fun. He was planning on going out of town that weekend, to see his kids and possibly go to his 15 yr reunion. I told him not to forget about me, to be safe. He said "maybe you can come over and we can watch a DVD when I get back".... I said "Why not go watch a movie" and that's when he said I didn't have to worry...anyway, while he was gone, he messaged me once. When he was coming in, he did again to say when he would land and did I want to come over. I mentioned coffee or something (I had been sick with allergies anyway) so we met at Chili's right AFTER he landed, like he didn't even go home. I was totally flattered. This time, he hugged me when I walked up (shock!) and he held my hand so gently across the table. My heart was soaring. We stayed there a while and again, he suggested we go somewhere quiet, his place, assured me I would be fine. (there was a loud game being watched at the restaurant) So I gave in. It was 4:30 and I told him I had to leave around 6 to go back home. We got to his apt and it was immaculate...very simple and nice and clean. We sat on the couch and he watched the game (he loves football) and he put his arm around me and rubbed my arm and shoulder. It was funny because when the game was intense, he would stop rubbing and tense up. It was funny. We did kiss/make out on the couch but he never touched me inappropriately. We kissed till it was time for me to go. He held my hand on the way home. I was quiet, he commented on my quietness, asked if I was upset, I said not at all. I love the way he holds my hand and gently rubs it. So much more intimate and affectionate than grabbing me all over, you know?

But he does not talk about way personal stuff like: why did he get divorced? He talks a little about the kids, but I don't know a whole bunch about them. I know he believes in God, but he doesn't say too much about the relationship he has with Him (like I do)...so I am thinking it may take a little longer to get that deep with him?

Of course I do think of marriage in that far off way, who doesn’t ...I do find him physically attractive. I love his personality, I love his smile. I love his patience, his tenderness. I love his sense of humor. I love the way I feel when I'm with him. Wow, I am really tempting fate here! There's gotta be something bad that happens soon??

The kids have NOT met him, but they know I've been going out with a "friend"...kinda gauging when to officially tell them.


Date 4
Watched Resident Evil. I've never seen the other two so I was kinda lost. Still had fun though! I could not be happier. We had a talk, prompted by his asking why good guys finish last, and talking about "bad boys, bad girl types" and he said he thought I was a good girl with a bad girl waiting to get out.....he totally deserved a prize for that guess! I wore a denim skirt with my black hooker boots which was not slutty, but some said sexy and late in the movie he rubbed my leg and thigh till I thought I was burst! We ended up making out in his truck but neither one of us had protection, which was ok. I would hate for our first time to be in his truck in a packed and lit parking lot!!

We only got to second base....wait, what's second base? Anyway, this guy is totally taking his time. he's driving me crazy. I am totally nuts for him though. He goes "wouldn't it be funny if we finally do it and it's really bad?" I'm like yeah, friggin hilarious.
so......the wait continues....

Nick called me on the way to work. I’m so hesitant to have sex with him because I’m not ready to lose him yet! He couldn’t believe something like that would actually happen. Puh-leeze…I gave him my Richard example, where we were friends, talked for a while and I decided to go ahead and he never called again! I mean ever!

I can say that he sent me many playful and flirting texts yesterday and I was loving all the attention! I really want to talk to him again, but I am just waiting for him to call whenever. I am so impatient....last night, I said "call me later" and he was like "you call me! You chase me for a change" and I was thinking....no way...

The story of me and Nick

Well, I had some drama with Terry today. I told you he didn't write me for a while after the lunch thing and I was ok, right? Then he started writing again and being mostly whiny but also complimentary and seemingly wanting me to come over all the time? Seems to me that he just wants sex, right? Well, I keep telling him I don't work that way, I'm old fashioned and then he gets apologetic and says he's just kidding, etc. I do like his attention otherwise, the daily emails, the sense of having someone...he is sweet and all....but finally he kept on and on about needing TLC, that's what he calls it, and I finally, just said LOOK. You are wasting your time with me. I don't want the same thing and if we ever went out again, I would have the looming over me, that expectation...ugh...I felt bad about it anyway, like I was just using him for the attention because there is no one else...he of course was immediately apologetic, said it went to far, that he respected me and loved the way I carried myself, had a beautiful spirit about me blah blah blah....I don't want to email him anymore. He screwed it up for himself I think....I feel like maybe by letting this go, maybe God will give me what I've been waiting for...I don't know.


David emailed me back already! Seems sweet. I got THREE more emails this morning! Crazy huh. I knew if I got rid of Terry, something good would happen. I liked only one of the guys who emailed me. He's hispanic, named Nick and lives in Friendswood.....Hard to get used to different faces, you know. He has like a goatee thing.

October 2007 was interesting!

Christy joined me up for (multiple) dating sites because she thinks I need to meet new people. Nice huh? I had to go edit a bunch of stuff she had for me though. Weird how people "think" you are, and how you see yourself. She had me as 5'2. LOL. Plus personality things. She has a warped idea of me. LOL. Lately, I’ve felt like a strictly physical relationship may be the way to go. But, it is hard to find a casual thing for me because I don't want anyone stupid and they have to be attractive and have good hygiene. I know it doesn't take brains but I do have to be somewhat turned on and that's what it takes for me. Stimulating conversation. Trust is nonexistent. I don't even believe in that anymore. Anyone who is even slightly trustworthy is already taken. If I were ever in a relationship again, I know I personally could be trustworthy but I see too many people just doing what they want even if they are married or in a relationship. I may stay single forever. This guy told me the same thing the other day, that he was getting off a dating website because there were too many psychos. And another said there were too many players on there. And in the next breath, he's all "so when are you coming over so we can cuddle?" And see, that is such a turn off for me. I'm feeling anxious again.

Snippets from September 2007

Terry………….

After your comments I feel like there is no real chance of us moving forward. You obviously want other things from "this" than I do....I think you would be wasting your time with me.

I've had a lot of fun with the daily emails and really enjoy your attentions, etc. But I am having a big problem morally with this issue. It doesn't feel good to know that all the attention will cost me something later and it's not something I am ready to do. Even if we did go out on our date or to your house to grill I know that would be looming over my head, the expectations you have.

Yes, it might be enjoyable and something that would suit my needs as well, but my conscience won't let me do it.

I did 2 and a half miles the other day and I about died. Running is not for me. Or maybe I just need to get used to it. I prefer stuff like aerobics and kickboxing (fun!)
William moved with some guy he met to travel and work. I didn't ask too many questions. He's having an adventure. More power to him. I prayed forever for God to take him away. He was after me like crazy. Said I was "free game" as long as I didn't have a bf. Ugh....

Now I just need to get laid. I have to stop thinking about it. I think when I lose 5 more pounds I am going to make Todd ask me out. LOL.

This weekend: I just cleaned the garage, got caught up on my laundry, took my mom to build a bear for her bday as a surprise, LOL. Had fun....I joined christiancafe for the free trial. Haven't had much luck.

I know that there is another girl "after" Todd, but I can tell he put her off by her comment on myspace. Something like "ok, maybe we can talk one day when everything is "perfect". lol. It didn't bother me too bad, but in a way...a little. So, I resolved to just focus on what's important and let God take care of the rest, but you have to know how hard that is. I mean to go almost TWO YEARS without the affection or excitement of a new relationship....I'm getting really down about it. Today, I wore my hair different and of course, I saw B and said to myself "just forget about it. he's just another friend" and when he said good morning and complimented me on my hair my heart scrunched (is that a word? LOL).

Ok, so I need to either a) get a date or b)focus on something else and I mean fast. I am getting weak!!!!!

The guy I’ve been lusting over at work, who always gives me attention but has a girlfriend emailed me. I hate being the bad guy here, but he always plays along. The other day I let my leg rub his during a meeting. It was HOT. He said : just in case no one has told you lately, I really appreciate all of your hard work. It takes a special person to put up with us (idiot) agents. Your the best Marci! The weird thing is that he was only down the hall, and sent it to my yahoo, not my work email…I replied No, no one has told me lately.You're the only one who ever does. But that's ok, because you're the only one who matters!! If you don't mind, maybe you can just tell me that everyday. I have a very stressful job. You're the best too.

I told J about it and he said You frisky little minx. He's not married and you're not looking for long term, what's the big deal? relieve the tension and get tired of him already. or just make it weird at work if it's not already. not your boss is he, harassment time for a paycheck. or if she has a bunny time for rabbit stew! just some ideas flowing in my head. just think how bored you would be if people you worked with were unattractive or all female. have some fun with that, remember you're in control. I said I thought for sure you were going to tell me to stop, with you being a married guy and all. I haven't felt too guilty.........just a little, and only sometimes. He told me that she doesn't have as much of a sex drive as he has....I don't know. It's not too weird yet. And no, it's not the boss. LOL. But I don't think I can mess with someone's bunny. I'm not that psycho. Not unless I was forced to. But I am in control? How you figure? I've never been a cheater or a cheatee....not sure how I feel about that... he replied you've never been a cheater, hmmm.... you're getting old and not remembering historical events, but that's okay maybe a psychological block. i think you were okay with it before, but you may have just said that to me for whatever. anyway, you are in control be cause you can stop and it stops or you can keep it up etc.... I like that sex drive line I think i would use that one too women eat that up, makes them think that they're the ones driving you. brilliant! why would i tell you to stop unless that is you projecting. wait a minute............are you thinking what I think you're thinking? Cuz I sat here trying to figure out what you were saying and suddenly I remembered something. Is it the same something you are thinking of? (Don't you dare ignore that question!!) I guess my memory is only going back to the last 12 years for the whole time I was married. I never cheated on that fool even though he cheated a million times. I was the good one. Now that I'm free I'm anxious to do some fun stuff. And may I just say that "this" is the very reason that I love and hate you. You always KNOW me. You never let me get away with anything (and I am not even trying dangit). And yes, that was me projecting. Get out of my head. Maddening.

.....so anyway, the guy from work acted totally weird today. All distant and kept apologizing for "bothering me" when he had to ask me to fix the printer....and why couldn't he do it? He's a bigger computer geek than me! So fine. I totally pulled back and ignored him and didn't even say Bye to him.(Believe me, it's a big deal). So tomorrow I gotta pull out the heavy artillery. Tight shirt, shiny hair. I might even bring out the hooker boots. In control baby!! And that line about the girlfriend having no sex drive....it totally took me by surprise. But at the time he told me, we were in a car alone, going across town....so puh-leze, it's obvious he was putting it out there, "asking me for advice"....but yeah, it was cool. He knows I'm on the market for a friend with benefits so I totally think he was testing the waters. The thing is that I don't think he'd actually go through with it. Did I mention he's 24? J said you know what sucks about situations like that, the build up is so big and then, once relieved, either it was good and you come back for more, or that's it. being 24 makes him a good target though, @24 you need variety and a little thrill. i would suggest during an encounter try the "don't fall in love" line that'll stick in his head and he'll have a story for his buddies.

Piel

Feeling anxious

Feeling like touching everyone

Feeling skin, hearing whispers

My heart is racing, my eyelids are heavy

My breath is quick

And shallow

How can I feel tired and excited all at the same time?

 

Is this normal?

It can’t be.

Something has to be wrong with me.

It can’t be good

I must be bad

To feel this way.

 

But my thoughts aren’t lascivious.

They’re innocent and pure, they’re natural

My body wants to do what it was meant to

 

Every inch of me hums with wanting

My tongue in your ear

My hands on your back

My legs embracing yours

My mouth tasting

Teasing

Touching

 

To make you feel good

Would make me feel good

 

That’s what it is

I want to please and serve

As only a lover can

 

To soothe your mind and body

And take you away with me

Where we two

Can be one

 

Can’t you satisfy

This need of mine

To quiet this thing inside of me

 

No one needs to know

Just a secret smile on our lips

To tell the story of us

And then I can be me again

Calm

 

Because right now

I

Can’t

Breathe

For

Wanting

You

 

Bye Bye Birdie.

Whenever a co-worker gets “let go”, its hard not to be paranoid about your own position. You start to second guess everything. You hope that just because you can be a bit sarcastic or playful, that someone didn’t take it the wrong way and still hasn’t gotten over it (that happens a lot here…why can’t I just keep my mouth shut?!). You hope that you haven’t played around too much, didn’t send too many questionable emails, didn’t overlook an important file, and aren’t taking too long on a given task. I guess it’s not good for morale, when someone gets let go out of the blue! Even if you didn’t care for him in the beginning, or you weren’t even sure he was going to make it all. Because you got to now him, and you wanted the best for him, just like you do for anyone you know right? Ugh. I’ll miss you JB!

 

a REAL soccer mom!!

Well, Em player her first season of soccer last season and we signed up for a second season. Sam hasn’t played a sport in a few years. They both did swim and that’s over today so we signed Sam up for soccer too! His first year and I am excited to go see my little ones (not so little, really) out on the field while I cheer them on!! A secondary benefit of that would be any hot single dads on the field! LOL.

 

Whenever I first started this blog several years ago, I chose the term “soccer mom” because it fit my position of working mom, running here and there, taking kids everywhere, etc. But Here I Am, Finally a true “soccer mom”.

Proud mom!

I’m so lucky to have smart kids!! I feel bad sometimes because I rarely even quiz them to see how they are doing. I went to their awards ceremony this week and:

 

Em got 2^nd place in Accelerated Reading Program and Principals Honor Roll. (they don’t give awards for being the cutest girl in 1^st grade, I guess)

 

Sam got:

Principal Honor Roll All Year

Presidential Fitness Award

Citizenship Award

Presidential Award for Academic Excellence

Commendable Performance in Math, Science & Reading

And a trophy from Odyssey of the Mind.

 

WoooooHooooooooo. His teacher called me yesterday to remind me to come, because he was getting a “few” awards and she laughed.

 

I am disputing that citizenship award though, that’s crap, I know he wasn’t that good in conduct. LOL

 

Latin"Gent" you are not!

Well, I said I wouldn’t but I did - I was browsing match one night and saw his profile. Cute older Hispanic guy (37?). His profile seemed real nice, and he had his email address on there so I didn’t have to join to send him an email. We talked like all day on email one day and then he chatted at night on messenger for a little while. He said he would talk to me again when he got home from the store and he didn’t….i waited…then he emailed me and all he said was Sorry, my car overheated, something real short and I replied and he never did. So I was like this guy is a total flake. I re-read his profile, saw he had been on within the last 24 hrs – no problem, but if he was online, why didn’t he send me a message like he said he would? His profile said he was looking for a serious relationship, no flings, no mind games, etc. I sent him this email like – it was nice talking with you for a short while, but I noticed your profile said “no flings” and I really don’t want to have a relationship right now. I’m a grown, smart woman and I just basically want to build a friendship that could lead to something physical but other than that, I do not want something serious, so I apologize for the mix-up….welllllllllll of COURSE he emails right back, ohhhh, I am totally open to what you want, let’s talk tonight, I will be in your area and we can talk about what you need, give me your phone number. He said he was going through something difficult and trying to get out of it. (another relationship? Don’t know). He had at one point said his ex lived in my area. Well, this time, I didn’t email HIM right back and he emailed and said “so what would you like, when was the last time you had it, hope I’m not being too forward” BS and I was like LOOK, you need to re-read my email where I said I wanted to BUILD a friendship with someone and not that I wanted to get with someone who didn’t even care to get to know me as a friend. And what pissed me off was that when we were all emailing, we were talking about church and prayer and crap. What a jackass!!

 

Have to brag...

I’m in my last senior class and everyone was pitching a FIT over the first assignment. The class average was 2 out of 6 so that means most people FAILED it.  I surprised myself by getting 4 out of 6. You should have heard the hollering going on about “I thought I followed the guidelines perfectly”, “Can you post an example of an A paper?” “I don’t understand….blah blah blah”. The professor chimed in for everyone to shut up about it and she was NOT going to post an example because most of us were seniors and should know better by now!

 

I wanted to speak up and say “I did ok” but I thought better of it. Didn’t want to bring any undue attention to myself. I have been really nervous about this class, the professor is a tough cookie and I am scared as heck about my thesis being due in 2 weeks!  But…..I have gotten a PERFECT grade on my past two assignments!! Yay me!!

The Year of the Rat....

Ok, the last time we met, I was telling you about the death of my brother in law. It was a huge shock to us. He was only 24, died in a dirt bike accident. My nephew is only 5. That I know of, he has not cried. To little ones, it isn't so "real" or permanent. He spoke of him often, at first, saying he was a guardian angel. That his daddy was in heaven, and how he wanted to like everything his dad liked, wanted to eat everything his dad used to eat. I still get sad about it. When I think of his voice or actions. I did have ambivalent feelings towards him. He and my sister had problems, like we all do. In their short marriage, they, too, encountered some of the same problems W and I did. But, it does still break my heart.

My cousin has cancer. He's about a year or two younger than me. He is a Marine. He used to be so big strong and handsome. We used to hate each other when we were young, and when I same him at my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary and 2nd wedding, I remember him taking my breath away in his dress blues and his beautiful smile. Now, cancer has eaten his body away. I don't think he has much longer. We never were close. I do feel some guilt over that.

My friend's 6 yr old son has leukemia. He was in my daughters class. Very Dennis the Menace type. But now he's in the hospital throwing up and being angry that he's stuck in a hospital room.

A boy I used to know has stage three brain cancer. I used to think he was so gorgeous when we worked together at the video store. He was so sweet though, innocent and full of hormones. There was about a 6 yr age difference between us. But one night, we almost had something. I stopped it though. As much as I did NOT want to stop it, it just didn't feel right. I often think back to that night and wish I had let it go on, even though I was a woman and he was just a boy. I still wish I had.

My other cousin died last month in a motorcycle accident. I went to the funeral, about 7 hours away. It was the most heartbreaking thing I had ever seen. His wife crying and wailing that she couldn't go on without him. His 15 yr old daughter crying "daddy.....daddy...", his 8 yr old daughter not quite grasping it. His 17 yr old son, trying to be a man, but crumbling into tears when he saw my parents. Up till this year, I had only gone to my great grandmother's funeral, she was 103, and my grandfather before her....so....I have just been....lucky I guess. And I can't feel like "what else could possibly happen"? And how can I feel that way, when these things are not happening to ME, but my loved ones...just as bad...kinda...

Anyway, the one bright spot in my year is finally being divorced. I had let W stay here, while he half heartedly looked for a job. It was okay for a while, then he got depressed again, didn't want to live anymore, among other things...and I could not stand it anymore. He got arrested for "interferring with a 911 call" during one of our tiffs which wasn't too bad, really, but I just wasn't sure where it was going and felt that we should have an intermediary so I could peacefully leave the house. I stayed with my parents for a while because he refused to leave the house till the divorce was final (last Tuesday....yippee!!!!!!!!). That in itself was purgatory bordering on hell. My sister and her son were there too and it was way crowded. It's funny how we became brooding teenagers all over again and funny too how I managed to not strangle my friggin mom.

All is well, now. we are back home, W has a job and is living with HIS mom (tell me that's not a newstory waiting to happen) and the kids and I are enjoying having our own rooms and bathrooms again. Except for one thing.........

I am desperate as hell. I NEED a man and I need one now. ALL this time, I've been fine. Not even caring for a second look from any man. Now, every man his good qualities. I've gotten a new hair do and some new tight shirts. I'm practically dripping with pheromones and just waiting for that perfect guy. Of course, there's my BF's dad who called on the day of my court date to see if the divorce was final so he could be the first one to ask me out (very flattering) and that gorgeous hunk at work who has a girlfriend but he makes me felt with his touch (very toughy feely) and even hugged me at a work social - though he didn't hug anyone else. There's the new guy who is a total flirt but too young for me. Still, I enjoy his "good morning baby doll"'s as much as the next girl. Sometimes, he puts his finger in my ear (?) and makes my knees go weak. And then there's the perpetual cheater who eyes me from time to time and I accidentally fantasized about the other day...where can a good girl go to get some??

Alright, this time, I PROMISE to come back. I've missed blogging so much!

Here I am

While 2006 was coming to a close and 2007 was on the horizon, I, like everyone else, was thinking about what I wanted to be different in the New Year. Of course, I want to be healthier (not necessarily THINNER, but actually HEALTHY), I want to keep a current and neat address book with addresses and birthdays so I can keep in touch more often and let people know I care. I want to graduate this year. I want to be more honest and less weighed down by stressful situations. More accepting. (BTW, that honest thing means to be more open, not keep things bottled up.) I want to make more money. Oh, and I wanted to write more. At the very least in my blog. I just don’t have the time for it sometimes. Any extra time I have I spend reading and watching TV. I must say, I have developed a healthy Tivo addiction. Oh and an ebay one too. My library is growing and growing and growing….

My personal life is same ole same ole. Divorce not final (What is taking so long???) yet but that doesn’t matter as W is still in my den. I laugh inside to think that I have now done everything I said I would never do. Because, basically, I have “accepted” that situation that W offered so long ago now, it seems. To live in the same household and have different lives. For now, it works. We have no relationship other than as a team where the children are concerned. We have separate rooms. He doesn’t have much of a life though, because he still doesn’t have a job, but I do and I go about it quite peacefully. Anyway, it’s a temporary situation for sure but I still long for a day of a life alone. A life of solitude. I don’t yearn for the attention of a man anymore, but I do admit that from time to time, the self pity fairy drops some dust on me but I usually shake it off after a 15 minute cry or so.

School is still excellent. All A’s. I’m now in Abnormal Psych which is most fascinating. Looking forward to one day going into the therapy part of it. Also, I am a little apprehensive to cross that line because I know those days will hold challenges and illnesses that are hopeless. I hope to achieve peace now so that I am better equipped to turn the healing off and on, and make sure it doesn’t bleed into my personal life. That should be fun.

 

Sigh. Anyway, there is bad news for my family. My sister’s husband passed away last Monday. When my mother called, I was putting Em in bed, gearing up for an online quiz for class. At that very moment, a fog rolled in. I felt like my mind could not exactly comprehend the words she had said.

 

Darn, time to run. Pizza place tonight. Will write again, now that I’ve broken the ice…..

I’ve been telling people here and there that I signed my divorce papers today. I guess I am trying it on for size. Don’t know why though, because in my heart I’ve been divorced for nearly a year now. I told this guy in my office who is a habitual womanizer, cheats on his wife like crazy. In general, he’s ok, I’ve grown somewhat used to him. He’s very open about his life so somehow that makes it “different”. What he does wrong and I have no problem telling him. He won’t ever change though. He knows I’m a Christian and seems to respect that, in whatever way he can. He said “So after today, you can do whatever you want and technically not feel bad about it”. We went on to say that we can always do whatever we want, we are still responsible for the choices we make. He said, “I know, but you just have to act like its ok to live with it”. I said, “So you admit, you have to ACT”. He says it’s a game, we have to tell ourselves, we have to believe it doesn’t matter. Seems so empty, so sad. How can someone choose a lifestyle that they know hurts people? Anyway, then, later I had a client and he was joking around that he would take us out to eat. When he and I were alone, he said he could take me to seafood but my husband probably wouldn’t like it. I said, “oh, that’s ok, I’m getting a divorce” and laughed. He seemed shocked. He was like “really?” I said “yeah”. He goes “Are you serious?” I was like “yeah”, kinda laughing about it. He goes “you’re wearing a ring”. I was wearing my pink sapphire on my left hand and a diamond on my right. I go “that’s the wrong hand”. And he went on to tell me that he was involved with a woman and he loved her son but he’s not happy. He was married before and had grown children from that marriage. He said he felt like something was missing and he was really sad about it. I was, for a moment uncomfortable for having him open up so quick and so freely. But I got over it quick. I have that effect on people, I think. I wanted to tell him maybe he needs God in his life but we were interrupted. Maybe I will when we talk again. Before he left, I gave him my card. He must think I’m interested. I’m not, though, he’s too old (50-ish). LOL.

 

 

 

W and I are about to go sign our divorce documents. I am a nervous wreck. My hands are all shaky, my pulse is quickening…we are actually riding together. We’re trying to keep it all friendly and low key. Even though we’ve been snappish to each other the past couple of days. We both irritate each other. I can’t even tell you how irritated I get with him. I know he gets irritated with me. It’s like this weird cycle, I irritate him (I guess) and he does something that irritated me (pick apart what I say), etc etc….It’s tiring. I just keep praying for him to get a job and move on….I’m so ready.

 

Updates

Just cutting and pasting from emails to my pals! Just trying to keep up my journal of sorts during this time of “craziness”…..

 

W asked me last night if I was ever unfaithful to him. I don’t know why it’s so hard to believe that I was not. I told him about Mitch but he knew that. He asked specifically about Brian and I swore there was never anything there. Sheesh. He says he guesses it’s because he has trust issues. That’s an understatement. He has never 100% believed me about anything. He always thinks I have a hidden agenda. It hurts so bad that after all this time he still does not know me. He never will. What a waste. Dang that is making me cry again. He found like a poem or something he wrote a while back and he let me read it. It was something like he wonders what kinds of lies “someone” tells, whether something is true or not. To read it, you actually think he was being lied to, but I can’t imagine who he is talking about! It can’t be me? Weird. Anyway, its so sad. I am getting depressed about it. that I wanted something to work so badly, I wanted him to accept me for ME, something he never did, I wanted him to love me more than anything, something he never did, I wanted him to honor me and never want to hurt me, again, something he never did. why did I waste so much time? Why did I try to make it happen??

 

Ordered my divorce decree the other day. We just have  number in there for child support because I know that he will take care of the kids once he gets started working. I'm not worried. He hates the way we communicate (like I don’t??) With me and him it seems like he'll say something and I'll say something different and he can't stand it. He hates it when I have a different opinion and he thinks I do it on purpose. I can't help it that I think he's wrong much of the time! Or not wrong in some cases, but I may have a different opinion and he HATES it. And he always seems to be correcting me or wants to correct something I say but most of the time he is just not paying attention and we have misunderstandings ALL the time. And he ALWAYS has to say something. You know, if you think you misheard or something like that, you might just not say anything because with the context of the conversation, you know what the other person meant? Well, not HIM. He has to correct every little thing or get clarification on lots of stuff, he can never let stuff go. So we seem to get in verbal tangles all the time. its very annoying. I almost rather not say anything. We mostly keep to ourselves but have managed to get into two arguments in the past couple of months where he’s actually blamed me for the failure of our marriage. He says I should have been a better wife, more submissive etc and he would have been a better husband. I wonder if he actually believes that. Even when times are sorta good, I have absolutely no desire to continue being his wife. Of course, anything is possible with God, but I’m not willing to take those chances anymore, as I have in the past time and time and time again. Our pastor tried to get us to reconsider but he doesn’t know all of our history and I am just unwilling to go further and hope that W agrees to end it as well, or I am in big trouble for having waited this long! Honestly I never would have imagined this would be the case!!

 

His problem with us is that he thinks he knows better because he knows the Word better. He flat out does not want the divorce because it's against God's word. No matter the adultery and other miseries because he's better now and repented. I don't have a case. As far as he is concerned it's ALL my doing and I'm WRONG. I can not find anywhere in the Bible to build a case for myself. I need to be able to back myself up with the Bible or he will forever blame me for this, not himself. Most of the time is nice. It's him doing things and helping with the kids. But there are times I can't stand him. Don't want to hear his voice. Want him out. And I know he feels the same way about me.

 

 

He says we BOTH will be punished for not staying together and going against God's will. I think being together in the first place was against God's will and we've suffered the entire time. I'm so tired of thinking about it. I just want him gone. I do not know if we will go through this again in a year or two or three but I can't say that to him, he think he's different this time and will never leave God again. I'm not taking any chances.  He's out looking for a job today. I'm getting down about prayers not getting answered again. I'm really really down.

 

Misc: Just finished up my last class on Monday and my new one started Tuesday. I had a research paper to do on whether or not music helps in memory recall with Alzheimer's patients...I worked on it all week and all day on Saturday. My final grade in the class was a 95.5. This was the class that my teacher was kinda detached, didn't give much feedback so in a way I am glad because it was a difficult class (methods and statistics in behavioral research) but on the other hand, I know I deserved worse. I turned in a homework assignment once where I left off two answers because I just couldn't get them...and I got a 100. I did that twice. So...needless to say...

 

W and I stayed up so late the other night talking about the past. The talks can be exhausting but it was really good, it's like more and more we are closing the doors to that stage of our lives. It was very much about our past problems, his suicide attempt and much talk of Christ in our lives and His promises. It was good.

 

You know how I like to online shop when I have PMS? If you only KNEW how many books I've bought in the past week! I use Half.com and ebay a lot and ordered some from Amazon, too. Ok, let's see....I ordered my textbook, a must have! It's my first "counseling" class, it starts next week (have a 97 in this current one so far but last night's homework kicked my butt and then the research paper due next Monday is not looking stellar either..), I ordered TWO books for Sam for Xmas, it's a James Patterson series that is really great. He read one but not the second one, but I found them both on ebay. Then I bought myself one called "If I Ignore It, It Will Go Away and Other Lies I Thought Were True", a Christian Book for women supposed to be funny (I HAD to, it was 29 cents + shipping!)Then I bought the Last Sin Eater and the Scarlet Thread by Francine Rivers from half.com and also the Atonement Child by her on ebay....is that it? heehee. I've noticed that when I have PMS I shop quite a bit online..I think getting packages in the mail makes me feel better. I've only gotten my text book so far so I keep waiting to get this load of books in.

 

PS Cute new guy in office! Very sweet and nice and um, nice body. Nothing there but a couple of nice encounters. Nice to feel alive again. Even though I think I will never ever again be with someone else!!!

It's a sunshine DAY

 

How much do I love life right now?? Ugh, I could burst! I got a PERFECT SCORE on my final in my last class! I was so thrilled!!! I ended up with a 93.75 in there….I really feel like I didn’t deserve it, every time I opened up my paper before I turned it in (Many, MANY times) I made more and more and more changes. I kept thinking it could be better. I finally quit and turned it in and she said it was EXCELLENT. I had emailed her halfway through the course saying I was worried, I really wanted an A, so I know that she “remembered” me and maybe that influenced her thoughts…but hey! I pulled it off! This next class seems a lot more daunting, what, with SEVEN assignments due the first WEEK. But, I can’t tell if the teacher is a hard ass yet, so it may not be so bad. Ever since I saw it on my course schedule, I was dreading it, because it has more to do with the research end of it and I can’t imagine that being very interesting at all. It isn’t so bad yet. I have to do a research paper, referencing only “scholarly journals” so that sounds like a drag.

Speaking of drag, my romance area is quite empty. I don’t have the yearning for anyone but I keep having sexual dreams and they really get to me. Last night, I was reading my homework, and the term “69” kept coming up, among other terms that could sound sexual. I swear I was channeling a 16 year old boy. I was so distracted I could barely concentrate. There is a certain someone who paid me some attention and of course now my mind is wandering. It was only “those pants look really good on you.” Now, I don’t think they are anything special. I thought they were almost too short, so I had to wear flats. Also, they are a deep maroon color because I got two new purses (ouch!) over the weekend and they are both mostly maroon in color and I wanted to use them. One is a cute “Relic” purse with elephants on it and one is a Gucci! I couldn’t believe what a find they were at the thrift store, they are authentic and one had the tags on it. I don’t know if I ever told you that I am a MAJOR penny pincher and also can find a deal a mile away. I can squeeze a penny till it screams. Anyway, I was getting over a major bout of PMS and had already shopped on the ebay for minor things like books or vacuum cleaner belts. My package craving was more than satisfied. I had a great time shopping all by myself.

Anyway, as for what is going on with W, he is still clean…2 months now? Sleeping on my couch, doing my dishes every day, cleaning the house, taking care of the dogs. It’s a weird situation, but it works right now. He does so so so well with the children, it really helps me out. No talk of getting back together, only talk of the future and separate lives. It makes me happy. He has an ultimate goal that I can’t mention right now, because there is a lot of praying to do, to make sure things work out like they are supposed to. When he told me about it, I wanted to burst out crying because it was all I had wanted for him (and me). Here I was, being a brat, refusing to pray anymore because I felt like life was not going where I wanted it to go, or at least not fast enough. But, things are definitely looking up, plus I got a check for an overage from my grant money. Nice enough to sock away for Christmas!

I really miss blogging. I can hardly find the time – even now, I’m at work with stuff to do, but since I feel especially hopeful, I wanted to write. I still have one more assignment to do before 11:59 pm. LOL

 

 

A moment to breathe….

 

So much has been happening…at least, so much has NOT been happening. Shall I make a list?

 

1. W came to me with a problem. Asking me what I lived for, because he couldn’t find a purpose for his life. He seemed at the end of his rope. He was a shell of a person. I took him to a center, actually sat through a meeting. It was odd, to be a “pollianna” among addicts. It was poignant.
2. Sometime later (the days are running together for me now) he recommitted his life to God.
3. We had several talk and letters and it is clear that there is no “us” no marriage and no hope for one. There IS a relationship though. Difficult to explain because I hardly know what it is myself. Let’s just say there is no physical affection, no flirting and he seems to know that someday I will have someone else. Him, too. Someday FAR off.
4. I’m nearly done with my 2^nd class and it is kicking my butt! I am still shooting for an A but they are by no means handing them out!
5. Kids are going back to school soon. They’ve been bored and I feel bad that I never did anything vacation wise.

 

I am so not in any good mood lately. I’m tired all the time, hungry all the time. (LOL) and just…in a funk. I think it’s because I all wanted this single divorced life and it’s taking so long to get there. I want my house to myself, I want to close up and sleep…but then again, I want the next stage of my life to hurry up and get here. I am so impatient. It’s bad.

 

Rainy Days

It’s been raining all night and all day here. The sun tries to make an appearance and then the rain falls again. I’m totally off kilter, having taken yesterday off; it feels like Monday all over again. Tell me that’s not a bummer!

W left for his dad’s Saturday afternoon. During that day, I felt we were really being nice to each other. There were comments he made that made me feel like he was feeling better about himself and his future. He expressed an interest in some job and then after a few minutes, he said “I haven’t thought about something like that in a long time”. I felt glad for him but then later, as we were in the kitchen grabbing a bite to eat, he said “Are we going to talk about what’s happening here, or are we gonna go on not talking about it?” I felt honestly stunned. Did he think just because we were being nice to each other (and I had a small, tiny, crying moment) that something was happening? Nah, I think because he was feeling optimistic about life in general he must have thought that something nice was happening between us. However, he has not tried to call or anything so that may mean that he is thinking about staying over there? I have conflicting feelings about that, mainly because the children have to go so long between seeing him. In any case, things can only get better!

I read my last post and I was meandering all over the place. Needless to say I have been quite scatterbrained! I so need a vacation to get my heart mind and soul in order. Now if only some monetary gift would fall right out of the sky to help fund such a vision quest!

 

BREATHE!

I am so exhausted. I’ve been slammed at work, even working till 8:30pm the other night. The stress is kinda getting to me and I wonder if I am getting an ulcer? Sometimes my stomach clenches up and hurts when I am feeling stressed? Its starting to be more often than not. On the good side, I only have a week of my class left and all my assignments are turned in except for a few corrections on my final paper. Yesssssssss. Only 9 more to go and then I will have my bachelors! It’s funny how things just fall into place and life just “happened” you know?

I did have a major fight with W a couple of weeks ago. He literally threw a fit and went ballistic on me. At the time I was really scared that he would hit me or something, but thank God he never did. Afterwards, we had several talks about boundaries, etc. and there were times when he would get teary eyed and say how much we meant to him. That was because we had a LOT of rain and streets flooded, his truck got stuck and he walked to my house about 1-2 miles away at 5 in the am and we weren’t there. I think he panicked that we took off. Really, we had just spent the night with my parents. After that, I would say things like “you need to get a girlfriend” and he would say, “why can’t you be my girlfriend? I’ll be nice” and I said “no you won’t” and he got teary eyed. It was a very weird week. But, I think I passed the test. Now, he doesn’t come over as much and if he does it’s strictly time spent with the kids. As it stands, he’s going to spend a few days at his dads in Ft. Worth and from what I overheard while he was on the phone with his dad made me feel like his dad wanted it for longer? Not sure. Not sure how to feel about that. I just want the best for him, still. I want the best for all of us. And that’s the truth.

At work, I made a MAJOR goof the other day. It literally could cost us money. I’ve been sick about it since. I’ve not made that big of a mistake here EVER and I just can’t stand it. My boss is disappointed of course, but he keeps trying to make me feel better, he feels sure he can fix it. I don’t feel so certain. I knew better. But I was so stressed, so rushed, so pushed that I made a careless mistake. I don’t even want to think about it. It’s making my ulcer act up. I’ll let you know if it gets better. LOL

 

This is my last week in my class! Nine more to go! I’m getting closer and closer and I really love it. I am exhausted all the time, sure. I’m tired when I go to bed and tired when I get up. I can’t shake it. Not sure how to make it better, really. I think if I took a vacation I’d be all neurotic. Not that I have the money anyway.

 

Sigh…I’ve missed blogging. Nothing worth mentioning, but still. My final assignment was to write an in depth paper about my life, so that’s left me depleted emotionally too. Just a quick update, though: Money is “ok”, I don’t have any crushes on anyone, Bev’s dad still loves me and sometimes I feel like indulging but I don’t…kids are ok, getting a little chubby from being bored and munching. I try to take them places when I can, when I’m not exhausted! Work is long and hard…let’s see, is that everything? I get a week off school so maybe then I’ll win the lotto and buy a new husband!

 

Humpity Hump Day

I'm irritable today. Already irritated with work...not wearing much makeup, running late. Need a hair cut. Need a new wardrobe. LOL. Need to lose 10 lbs (really more, but that would be a good start!) W must have stayed in his trailer, haven't seen him in a day. I emailed his dad about W needing the money for deposit to park it somewhere and he swoops down and helps him with EVERYTHING. He called me the next say to see if he helped enough. I was thrilled, told him he was like a tooth fairy or something and he laughed and said he always considered himself a “bad guy” and I promised not to ruin his reputation. I am SOOO thankful. When I emailed him, I made sure to make my case for me and the kids, how we need normalcy, even IF we are getting along. I think he still wishes me and W would stay together but no…

Makes me worried when W is not around, though - not sure why, maybe I don't trust his judgment on his own, he's not in a good place but then again I worry when he's at my house too. Will have to learn how to adjust back to where I was before. Tired of praying for him, but I still do...

Bev's Aunt Kathy is in the hospital. I've known her for a few years, she has a tumor behind her eye that started up at Xmas and is now out of control. Physically it was awful, to see her eye “move” to the side of her head and protrude. It looked Quasimodo and I feel awful saying that but its true. I made an effort to still talk to her at holiday get togethers though. I wanted to feel ok, regardless. They tried to do the surgery yesterday but there was too much bleeding so they had to stop, then they couldn't get her skull back on...ugh...sounds awful. Had to babysit so Bev could go up there in case she didn't make it. So far, she has. She's highly religious/Pentecostal so I wonder if they made a big deal of the date yesterday into what happened, (her church friends). Need to do some homework. One of my books is awesome, so easy to read! It's about Life Launches and has stories, examples. That will be so easy to write on (lots of writing assignments). Am really thinking of that garage sale Saturday. It HAS to happen. LOL. Say prayers for me (and Aunt Kathy, ugh, why did I just say that about ME?? So selfish). Anyway, life is....surreal right now. Floating in and out of reality and goals, what I want to "be" one day in EVERY sense, not just career. Trying to flounder and make a strong connection between the two and reconstruct myself and my family. Lofty goals for a humpday morning. Oh yeah, and I seriously need to get laid in honor of today. LOL.

I know my blog is really suffering, just trying to get in some sort of routine here. Hugs!

 

Proud mom

Yesterday I went to Em’s kindergarten graduation. It seems to get bigger and bigger every year, there were balloons everywhere and some parents brought their children one or two dozen roses, it was crazy. All I brought was my camcorder and digital camera and it the batteries were almost dead (always happens to me dangit!!). Now a days, they do a bilingual ceremony, in English and Spanish and it still surprises me to see that, I went to the same schools and when I was young, I was the only Spanish kid in my class practically. And black people? Forgetaboutit. NOW….very different. Hispanics are the overwhelming majority. I’m not gonna get ugly here, but I could. Maybe another day. Well, maybe just a little. Some of the children were wearing formal dresses, like Prom Dresses or dare I say Quincenera dresses. It was ridiculous. Some in tuxedos. So retarded. Em was dressed in her new distressed jeans and a new summery peasant top and she was so cute! I thought they would wear caps and gowns but this year it was just caps. Too hot I guess. Anyway, just another annoying trait of the Hispanic culture – ALWAYS get overdressed. I mean, some of these girls even had on high heels. In KINDERGARTEN!! Ugh. Anyway.

And can I just say? Em is one of the tallest girls in her grade. I don’t know where she gets it from. I’m 5’5 on a good day.

The parents were so dumb. I mean, we were told not to get in the way of the kids coming in, to be respectful, but apparently it didn’t matter how many languages, people are still stupid. This one woman in front of me stood up and just STOOD there to watch, nevermind that we were all sitting. Nevermind that she didn’t even have a camera. My mom told her to sit down. LOL. Thanks, mom.

Anyway, as cool as I thought I was, I still welled up with tears and emotion as they sang their songs. My little baby. Sniff! In the old days I would have been one of those women people hire to cry at funerals. I can’t help it, I cry at church, school functions, anything.

There was a group of special kids. They were so adorable. One of them had Down’s and it was obvious but the others looked like regular kids except for a tiny little girl who walked slow and was apprehensive of all the people watching her. One little boy who looked like a little man who was deliberate and quiet, confident. They really stole my heart and still, I thank God that my children are healthy and smart. There are no guarantees in life. It puts things in prospective. And I wonder at it all, that their mothers are so strong and how much they love their babies, just like me.

 

Sam is doing well, too. He had to watch the puberty film and they sent a note home about it. He said he didn’t want to but I made him. I told him my children would not be ignorant about things, you need to know this stuff. His class went skating the other day and I noticed he came back with stuff that cost more than I gave him. He said a “friend” bought it for him and then he admitted that his “friend” was Adriana. I told him to never take gifts from a girl! He can buy them something but not the other way around! Later when I made him tell his dad about it, W was like “you should have your own money, but take what you can get too”….ugh…fortunately, I can tell Sam doesn’t exactly trust W’s judgment over mine. LOL. He got in his first fight, too. A little scuffle with a family friend and he cried but didn’t “want my pity” when I was trying to console him. His glasses were all messed up but luckily fixable. And do you know that he spent the night with said friend that night??? Apparently made them closer. Men.

I usually massage Em’s legs at bedtime. Sometimes they ache but I know she is just getting spoiled with it, too. I don’t mind. When I was doing it the other night, she was like “thank you God for letting me be born!!” she was so happy. I keep replaying it in my head. So sweet!!

She had a sleep over the other night and it was so cute. I never heard girls giggle so much!! Her little friend kept marveling at how “cool” we were and how she wished she lived with us (she loved my waterbed). It was so cute to hear them talk, much like me and my friends did when we were little. Did my mom listen in on me and smile, too? Hard to imagine.

 

Well, enough of that, have a good holiday!!

Move along, nothing to see here....

Really there’s not. I’m enjoying the routine of taking the kids to school in my pajamas, the cool weather in the morning waking me up, watching Dawson’s Creek while I get dressed really slowly (and I have the nerve to yell at the kids for doing the same thing with Sponge Bob, you know, where you stand there in a daze with your pant leg hanging midair). Going to work, stressing out because I’m still all alone and having to put up with these goofy agents and clients. Coming home making dinner, watching TV…lounging…have several bday or graduation parties to go to and even told Em she could have a slumber party Saturday night…still from time to time seeing W but not so much that I can’t stand it. Still waiting for him to completely move into his other place, when he “makes more money”. If you don’t mind, I’m not even going to comment, think, predict or moan about anything of that for now! It’s Friday Eve! I’m trying to be positive!

Nothing new on the opposite sex part, nothing new at all except….school starts in two weeks!! I am all signed up and ready to go. Trying to think of all the new school clothes: cut off shorts, sweats, long tshirts and socks…gotta look good for the virtual classroom you know. lol.

 

Ah life.

 

 

Unbelievable. Stress at work, frustrated at home. Keeping it together, don’t get me wrong. But still. Ready to sweep up the mess and take action! You know me!

My boss got sick and went to the ER with elevated blood pressure and just plain not feeling right and he’s been gone for two days. While OK in itself I was under extreme pressure at work to get things done in time and there are a few things that I don’t know….I hate it, but it’s true. Thing is, he just likes to do those things himself, he’s faster…..and….call it a control thing maybe? Many times I’ve said, just show me and I’ll do it because he takes forever sometimes to get things done. And he won’t. We’ve been ok, till now. He just needs to learn to delegate. And while he was gone, the broker was chatting with us and the truth came out about that little screaming fight they had the other day. Their point was that there were times when I have nothing to do (NOT, but whatever) because he refuses to delegate and I should be trusted and capable to do and know everything. Sooooooooooooooooo the truth comes out. What the real issue was. I can see why he didn’t tell me the whole story because he would have to admit fault. He does now, we talked yesterday. But funny how things aren’t always as they seem.

And on the home front W has been spending more time there while trying (not really trying if you ask me) to get his place set up and it’s really getting to me. I want him to move on, start a life for himself and let me and the kids get on with ours. He seems down all the time and it’s just hard for me…I want him to be happy like he used to be, be a good dad and yet I accept and embrace that it won’t be with us, in the same house. I wish we could be on the same page. Psycho texted me the other day, telling me to enjoy him while I could, that he would be back with her before long because I was too boring. It really bugged me and I made a comment. He fully admitted (it was a little weird) that he would be bored with any woman for too long…

Ugh so swamped at work, but wanted to drop a line. Hugs.

 

Gawd yesterday sucked. When I saw my boss in his office with the door shut and his mom and the broker were in there hollering, I knew it was about me. What the fudge? Every single time his mom gets in a real bad mood, I need to watch out because for some reason I am her favorite target. I knew something may come down because my phone was going off more than usual and I knew my officemate could hear me typing quite a bit during the day (emails). The clincher was the broker saw me messaging with the receptionist (about lunch I SWEAR!!) and sure enough the next day the messenging program was unistalled off my computer. It's such crap...I mean, I am good at my job, right? And if I were to get up and go ask what lunch plans were, believe me, there would be other chatting going on. I did it out in the open to show how nothing it really was, but I guess that wasn't good enough. I don't agree with their ways, and neither does my immediate boss (hence the hollering - apparently taking up for me AGAIN) but what can I do. And how annoying is it to hear tidbits of information about myself from third parties so that you KNOW someone is gossiping about you. Oh well, other than my blog which consists of what? Ex drama and urges...they can hold nothing against me. I have hardly anything to hide. I love them and I hate them. Same as any old office enviroment. Same as family. I prayed for a better attitude because believe me, it was worse. I just felt so hurt.
In any case, my boss and I had a close conversation about how things are, which is a huge milestone. He used to be so distant and in a way he is still is, but sometimes he's really THERE and I love that. It's important. Because I kinda like that, for people to be there for me also, like I am there for them...

My defense mechanism, surprisingly for me, was to wear a short skirt, slim fitting sweater and tall shoes. After feeling so badly, I felt that at least I could look confident on the outside. I had dinner at Bev's and her dad whispered to me (in a very cool way) while walking by me that I looked terrific. He said, "But you probably knew that." I said I didn't. And he goes "Now you do." Nice. But I need a change of venue and fast.

My id is showing....

The other night Bev’s Dad called me and told me he sensed that he was making me uncomfortable asking me out and said that he wouldn’t anymore and would wait till I was ready. We had a nice talk though and we seem to click on a lot of things, church, opinions, points of view, even our humor is VERY similar. So it’s a shame that it can’t go further. I don’t cringe too much when I see him calling anymore and am actually flattered that there’s a man calling to “check on me” to tell me to “have a great day” or that he’s “thinking about me”. It totally sucks that he’s my best friend’s DAD. I can’t tell her about what his kisses might be like or what he’s like in the sack if it ended up there. Oh yeah, and he said I looked fantastic in my jeans, saying he could HELP but notice so tell me that isn’t worth like a million brownie points. And this was on a stormy day where I wore an old Tshirt and jeans and sneakers out and didn’t do my hair so it’s not like I was even TRYING! (can I just input here that RENEE texted me that morning and woke me up with be careful, tornado in your area… UGH!) Sigh. I guess I just need to tell him I don’t want to go further. But it’s SO hard! I am afraid of what he’ll say…will he be mad, be hurt, be ok?

 

On the other hand, for the longest time my libido has been hibernating. I haven’t felt any sexual urges, etc. UNTIL THE OTHER DAY. And now, I brush my hair and I’m like “my hair would look so pretty with some man running his hands through it…while he *** me”. I’m watching Dawsons’s Creek and I’m like “I hate that jacket on Pacey but his face is nice….and I could so *** him”. I watch my boss working on his computer and think, “I could so get on his lap and wrap my legs around him” (nothing personal). A good smelling man walks by and I want to run my tongue down his neck. It’s PATHETIC!! I have this primal urge to SEDUCE someone. And it can’t be B’s dad because I know he would fall in love with me even MORE and I’d have to hurt him. It’s times like these I know that pheromones are being emitted in waves and some pick up on it and some don’t. But there are STILL no “real” prospects. “Safe” ones I guess I should say. I need to get out more.

 

OH! I’ve registered for University now. (that is so british, the way I just said that, LOL) Sooooooo someday soon I will be a licensed dysfunctional Psychologist! Doctor heal thyself!

 

Ok, hugs, kisses and someone please find me someone to wrap my shortish tan legs around….

 

Peaces of me.

So strange to be in a neutral state. To not yearn for love or warmth or caresses. I am only me, with thoughts to keep me company. Random ideas and feelings going round and round in my mind. I flip and turn them here and there. Inspecting every side of them until I tire of them and throw them away. I hunger for nothing. I am satisfied to be alone. I think I must be getting to know myself again (again?). I must be learning to trust myself, instead of searching for something to read, something to watch, something to make me laugh, like an uncomfortable first date where too much silence can be bad. How did I even get here? I prayed for a companion, for someone to love me and I could love them and have so much to offer and share. How funny that God gave me, ME. And so now I wrap myself around myself. I flip pieces of me over, turn them around, inspect every side of me until I tire of it. But I’ve not grown so tired of me, really. I like me. I’m discovering things about me, neat things, that I can put on a shelf and save for a rainy day. Imagine going through the closet of the home you grew up in and finding dusty treasures. “oh!” “I remember this!”

It doesn’t hurt. Anymore. Right now. I like it.

 

I’ve been under unbelieveable amounts of stress at work, I never get a quiet moment and at home the last thing I want to do is get on the computer. Here’s a tidbit of a little something though:

 

Last Sunday I was at a friend’s house for a BBQ and I got another text from Renee. She said something like “tell W to call me, the cops just left here looking for him”. I tried to ignore it for a while but inevitably I replied “y?” She didn’t respond right away either and finally I just called W and told him what she had said, made light of it and we both agreed that she was probably just trying to get him to call her. He said all he had was a parking ticket from when he parked at an expired meter. I knew about that, they mailed something to the house when it happened, back in Dec/Jan. Anyway, needless to say, my mood was somewhat ruined. She just makes me sick (and him, what he’s done, etc) and I hate that she is so weird about this. Why not just drop it and move on??? I ignored her. Later, she CALLED, actually, she leaves a message through her voice mail so that my phone never rings, only alerts me that there is a message. She goes “I know he’s staying with you guys now, tell W nevermind, my husband is taking care of it. Tell him not to trip over, my husband will take care of it. (I noticed she said “husband” like twice. Remember, her husband is in jail but she claims that he is very powerful and influential in the crime world) THEN she goes on to say that she met this guy who has tattoos and is bald and has a harley – “what more could a girl want, right?” she says all giggly. She goes “We went riding all day yesterday and I had SUCH a blast! BYE!”. OMG. Who CARES??? She is a total freak and it’s obvious what she is trying to do – for me to relay all this info to W (I didn’t of course). I SO wanted to call her and correct her, he’s NOT back home (in fact, I’ve barely seen him in a week, he’s been crashing at his coworker’s I assume.) I wanted to call and unleash on her, how DARE she continue to contaminate my life! I even decided to release her number to my friends and family who all have a thing to say to her. But in the end, I prayed about it, fell asleep and had a strange dream. In the morning, I decided against it. She’s obviously disturbed, dying for attention and if I did that, I would be giving her what she wants and possibly give her a nervous breakdown. No, I can’t do that.
My dream was that I was in a women’s prison, as an observer not a prisoner. I saw her there, Renee. Bebe Neuwirth was a prison guard and she wants taunting her. She turned around and starting harassing me, mistaking me for a prisoner. I tried to tell her she was wrong, I wasn’t one of them, and Bebe was poking a stick into my back over and over again. It kept switching to me, then Renee, the one being poked by the stick. I felt really bad afterwards (in my dream). I think “Bebe” was the baby she got rid of. I think maybe she’s in her own prison, (I’ve already pronounced her “guilty”) and she’ll be tortured on her own, without me having to do anything but watch. Well, not really “watch”.

Bev told me not to call and correct her, it’s obviously tearing her up to think he’s back home with me. I was deflated by the time I thought of calling later and didn’t bother. If she pushes me again, though…………I can’t take it anymore. I can’t.

 

One "fine" day

The other day when talking to a client on the phone, they asked me how I was doing. I literally sat there for a few seconds. I don’t know why but the question stumped me. Call it a brain fart or whatever but I have to say I honestly don’t know how I am. I finally said fine, and we made a joke out of it. Seriously though, I think I am basically floating aimlessly through life right now and I’m ok with that. I guess. I think deep inside there is a little fear. But I think fear is too strong a word. Mild Trepidation. Apprehension. Whatever. Just because I’m not exactly sure what the future holds for me. ANYTHING can happen. Minor incidents or comments come about and they bury themselves in the soft cushy spot in my brain like a tick. It doesn’t hurt at first but something tells me that later….it might. Or at least bring about some major incident. I don’t know. I am rambling and maybe not making sense. Lets make a list again, shall we. When all else fails, go back to basics – namely, lists. They are the most primitive form of writing, needing no creativity, no soul searching, no thought, practically. Just fingers and a keyboard. Hey! I got that much..

 

1)      my hair is getting long and it kinda sucks.

2)      It is SOOOOO hot here. So much so that they had rolling blackouts because they weren’t prepared for this much heat. And its only APRIL.

3)      Things with W are fine. I barely see him, he’s not bothering me…it’s bearable…

4)      There’s not much on the romantic front and I’m ok with that too. Except for Bev’s dad who calls me every once in a while. This is so not gonna happen. It’s starting to creep me out. I went to her aunts (I know her whole family) for Easter and he was there. And I felt like he kept staring at me, expecting something…and then later that evening Bev’s son called me to see if I was going over there. It was really weird. I called Bev immediately after and she didn’t know anything about him calling me. I suspect her dad put him up to it? and later I walked in on her son and Sam talking and he suddenly stopped so I suspect they were talking about me and him. Because Sam was saying, “your grandpa WHAT?” and her son wouldn’t finish telling him because I was in there. So this is all coming to a screeching halt. As soon as I get the nerve to break his heart.

5)      I’m done with the online dating thing. I got bored with the whole thing.

6)      We hired a new guy. His eyes are SO HOT. And he smelled good. This could be interesting.

7)      I found out I could finish my psych degree online. But it could be pretty expensive. Now I’m at a crossroads. Do I do it? It could end up costing me lots of time and money. But….?

 

See? That’s it. But something’s coming. It can’t stay this calm for long.

 

And the winner for leading actress in a dramatic series......

Ok, I know it was unfair of me to leave you hanging like that. But, I have been going through SO much lately! Also, I feel I need to clear up some things based on the comments I’m getting. And don’t worry, it’s ALL good news!! Ok, where to start….first of all, let me make sure that this is CLEAR. W and I are NOT under any circumstances getting back together. And under no circumstances will he be living there (phew!). All that’s happening at this point is that he is keeping some things in my garage and sometimes uses the shower and has a couple of times slept on the couch. The other times he’s slept at a coworkers house. Ok, now let me go in order of events.

 

When he changed his number is when the whole thing started. She started calling, apparently concerned that he would be going over to her house and starting something with her. See, what happened was first, he changed his number, then he argued with his mom and grandfather and decided to leave his grandfather’s house. What the argument was about, I have no idea, only that some of it was possibly because his mom (the nut) is “friends” with the girlfriend (Renee). What I think is that the mil and the gf started talking because the stupid mil was trying to find a way to keep a hold of W, with whom she’s had a tenuous relationship with to say the least. I mean, I told you around Xmas time, she was talking (I overheard) about getting her and her kids presents?? W told her she was ridiculous because they didn’t even KNOW her for god’s sake. I knew at the time that she was trying to overcompensate and KEEP W in her life SOMEHOW. And I saw it as stupid. But nonetheless, they are friends and apparently he and the girl broke up and the mil and she continued the friendship much to W’s chagrin. I think that when they broke up, it was the girl (ugh, I don’t know what to call her, she is practically FORTY) saw it as a way to keep tabs on him and get under his skin (it’s working). Anyway, the argument erupted and for some reason the mil saw fit to call the chic (ok, maybe that will work) crying and carrying on and telling her to watch out because he may be on his way over there….while all that sounds dramatic, the truth is that during that time, he was calling me, fairly calm if not irritated and carrying his stuff to my garage and everything was ho-hum. Meanwhile my phone was blowing up with text messages and URGENT PRIVATE messages. Here are some: “Marci, please call me. It’s very very important. PLEASE”. “Marci, if you don’t want to call me, that’s fine, just tell W that I don’t want him coming over here.” “Marci, you are a better person than me. Please return my call”. I called Wm and asked him why in the world is she calling me. (At this point, I didn’t know much of anything, other than the argument and moving out of his gdad’s house.) he explained a little more and he said sarcastically, “Like I am just dying to go over there.” He warned me that if I respond in any way that would just be encouraging her and she would continue to call. Well, while me and some coworkers were debating about illegal immigrants, she called from a number I didn’t recognize the number and answered it. I HAVE to, it’s my work cell phone. She started blabbing and wouldn’t quit. She told me so many little things I don’t know if I can remember them all. Here’s a list since there’s no way I can remember the whole conversation in order:

1)      she said he was convinced that there was something going on with my “stalker” remember, the married one.

2)      She said he was fine as long as he thought I was home and not out doing something

3)      He commented on how I don’t have a “care in the world” because I seemed so happy without him

4)      To see his reaction, she told him that I would probably move on and remarry

5)      He seemed to get upset but later admitted he hoped I would meet someone that would be good to me and take care of me

6)      He told her repeatedly that he’s never been away from me for more than 4 months (???)

7)      He mentioned something about his suspicions of my boss

8)      She said he really pushed for the “procedure” that she cried the whole time and they didn’t want to do it while she was crying. She said she thought of me, our kids and her husband and finally did it.

9)      She said she’s not stupid, she’s not in lust or a crush that she really loves him

10)   She said something to the effect that he said I was too strong willed and everything had to be my way.

11)   She knew of times that he texted me, etc, so I could tell she had been checking his phone.

12)   She seemed to be fishing for information about me and him getting back together. Apparently the mother in law was putting that idea in her head.

Here are some things I told her:

1)      I reminded her that she would get what she deserved

2)      When she kept apologizing I told her that this was probably the best thing that could have ever happened in my life

3)      I told her that everything she was saying was what all the other girlfriends have told me in the past.

4)      I asked her if all this garbage that EVERYONE has had to go through was worth the sex. She said it wasn’t about the sex for her at first. I said, “It was for him”.

5)      I told her this was all a standard pattern for him. He meets you at work, he flirts, he listens, he makes you feel good, he’s a total gentleman. I mean, I know, we MET at work.

6)      I told her I don’t care to know anything about her, their business whatever. I have my own life and am not open to knowing anything about them.

7)      Told her that when she took all those pills when she was distraught about being preg and he didn’t go see her, that should have told her something

8)      Told her if she had any brains she would stay away from them completely. He and his mother and both master manipulators and they LIE.

9)      Told her that he has cheated on her. I know he has. She freaked out, wanted to know if it was someone from her side of town. I said I didn’t know, couldn’t prove it necessarily but he had.

 

Can’t think of anything else at the moment. She has since texted me a couple more times, saying “u are a good person. You and your children will be blessed and me and mine will be punished.” “U owe me nothing but it’s killing me not knowing if he’s dead or alive. Is he ok??” She left a voice message saying that she was packing her things and moving back to Chicago when her kids get out for summer (then why pack now??) and to ask him to call her. I wrote her back “please stop this! I am very busy! Show some dignity. He will call you if he wants to!” She texted me yesterday with “happy easter” and when I finally decided to say “u 2” (church put me in a generous mood) she wrote back “I don’t mean to start any drama, but is he ok? Have you seen him today?” which I ignored. Sigh.

 

Now, as far as W is concerned, it is a night and day difference. He is not on drugs that I can tell and also he got a job so I am sure he is clean. After that meth debacle, he seemed to straighten up, slowly but surely. His hair has grown back in (he had shaved it) and took that ridiculous earring out. Remember I told you he was back to dressing decent. He is very very good with the children and even tries not to let them see him come and go to shower, etc to spare their feelings and protect them. He doesn’t want them to think he’s coming back. So all this is helping me see that he does not mean to move in. So any concerns about him having someone in my bed or being strung out on drugs mean so much to me, but for now, I have to believe that everything is ok. Not ok as in IDEAL but things are actually going WELL. He offered me some money but I told him to use it to find somewhere to live first. (yay for me!) and he bought a travel trailor and is fixing it up (yay again!). for the most part, we are civil, like business partners or something. He does compliment me sometimes, does joke sometimes and that’s ok. I need that. I need to feel NORMAL. Today, I asked him about the shower upstairs (he won’t even use mine, I feel like he’s respecting my stuff) and he said he fixed but he had broken it before and I said “you break everything”. He said “I know. Esp. hearts!” that was a joke. And he goes “even yours but you’re over it huh”. I turned around and went back to doing my hair. He goes “no comment?”. I shook my head. He goes “awwwwwwwwwwwwww I’m sorry.” I said “no you’re not”. He goes, I am too and gave me a hug. It wasn’t sexual. It wasn’t pathetic. It was just two people friendly hugging. I can’t explain it. but I feel ok and that’s all that matters.

 

Ugh! I have to go but I have more drama on the other end with Bev’s dad who is in love with me! I’ll be back!!

 

 

damn

Right now I feel deathly ill with headache and nausea. Could be from any of the following events: (I wanted to write in full detail, but I’m too weak and you will have to settle for the list version for now)

 

1. Em was sick all weekend. We’re talking glassy-eyed, sneezing, fever, etc.
2. W was seriously getting on my nerves
3. Sam then got sick with fever headache chills and we are talking this boy never gets sick
4. Early Monday morning W called and said he changed his cell number and that I shouldn’t give it out (ok, like to WHO?)
5. Later, the other woman, the girlfriend, ex girlfriend whatever, starts texting and calling me. The word “fatal attraction” ---ok, that’s two words---come to mind. Also some other ones, but I’m too tired…apparently she can’t get a hold of him and is freaking out.
6. Overall, I had an enlightening view into “their relationship” because one of the times I answered because I didn’t know who it was and ending up talking/listening to her for almost an hr. I got a few jabs in there, I so want to tell you! But, again, I am so tired and sick right now. I’ll have to come back later and tell you.
7. W had an argument with his family and wants to store some stuff in the garage.
8. W started a new job, with night hours.
9. He needs a place to sleep during the day.
10. You see where this is going.
11. Legally, its still his house too and I have taken so long to start the divorce proceedings and basically I am screwed right now.
12. Now I am feeling ill, physically and otherwise.
13. She stopped calling.
14. For an evening.
15. And then started up again.
16. I set her straight.

 

So right now I am fairly concerned for me. I’m also exhausted from running all over town, working long hours, dealing with sick kids, ex husbands and ex husbands ex girlfriends. My nerves are frayed, wrought, etc. I will be back. I just wanted to say hello and open the floor…..hugs and kisses and please don’t talk bad about me. I’m not taking him back! I’m not I’m not!

 

 

I’ve got so many (insignificant) things swirling around in my head, I’ve got to get them down and straighten myself out. First, the weekend was ok, but not great since Em was sick (poor little baby!)

 

~~~Ok, this is where I left off before the REAL drama started. Boy was I right when I said that everything would happen at once. I’m trying to get my bearing and get ready to write because I know when I start, I won’t be able to stop and work probably  isn’t a good place to do this. Stay tuned!!

Happy Friday

Well the weekend is here. Well, almost. It’s 1:00 Friday afternoon and I’m still not any happier to be here. This day is dragging painfully slow for me. My neighbor called last night and asked if I wouldn’t mind taking her daughter to the bus stop and 10 til 6 AM. Hmmmmmmmmm. Of course I wouldn’t. I mean, now I can store that away and ask for them to babysit should I ever get up the courage to go out with my boring guy. Sigh. I admit, I think I am NOT going to go. I just keep imaging it will be torture. Me, wanting to say something funny or smart and not because I don’t think he’s gonna get it and instead I’ll just look constipated or something. I know Mr. Right will come along eventually. In the meantime I just want to get laid and if he’s not laughing at my jokes or not thinking I’m cute then I’m sure I won’t be turned on. And to top it off, Bev’s dad is in town and I think I’m gonna stay away while he’s there. I don’t want to break his heart either! Aw! Poor little ole me.

 

I just can’t shake the feeling that I NEED something. Could be sleep. The other night I had so many nightmares I was afraid to get up and potty. I said my prayers and even in drifting off to sleep, I could feel the same nightmare try to sneak back in and I’d wake myself up. It was agony. I just want to take a really long nap. Right here at my desk. I WANT to go shopping but I have so many bills to pay that’s impossible.

 

Who knows. I’m just gearing up for a totally uneventful weekend with relaxing and DVR. But you know what that means. Probably everything will happen at once.

 

Last night W came to visit (are ALL my entries going to start like this??? Ugh) and I was so irritated by him. He was questioning how I picked a guitar teacher for Sam, why did I go to craigslist, did I just pick the first one I found, why didn’t I get someone local? Then he asked me for a sandwich even though my mom sent home hamburgers off the grill and that insulted me. Then he made a comment about my bread being on top of the microwave, and how it was probably going to stick. At that point, I think he knew I was irritated because I didn’t say anything and he goes “I’ll just put it back right where you had it”…Damn right you will because I can do whatever I want in MY house and I don’t have a husband who can say a damn thing about it! I went to my room and shut the door and continued my photograph project. Except for everytime I saw his face I called him a name or said whatever cuss word came to mind. What an asshole. So freaking negative. He was good with the kids, bought them a deck of cards to play rummy. That’s what they do now, play games when he comes to visit. I’ll forever remember 2006 as the year of the games for them. I don’t mind. I was afraid he would be irritable with them, trying to teach them but he wasn’t. Apparently it’s just me that pisses him off. I don’t care. I don’t.

 

Then, later, he came up to the den where I was laying on the couch (I’ve been exhausted with this darn time change!!) and started talking about his parents, how my MIL re-did poppa’s room after he died…how my FIL will be home this summer (he travels a lot for his job) and they want the kids to come visit….so…..he said, he wouldn’t take them by himself, he’d drive some….and meanwhile in my foggy head I’m wondering if he is proposing that we ALL go? Hence the comment about the room…oh man. Oh man. I don’t know. I didn’t comment but I did bring up how we (my parents, me and the kids) are planning a road trip to California this summer. I don’t know. I was stunned.

 

I’ve been emailing with Rene and we will probably go out. From the online dating thing? And the name is sweet irony, the other woman’s name was Renee. How WEIRD. Anyway, he’s totally boring but I keep thinking he may be more fun in person maybe? He’s hot, but he doesn’t get my jokes, doesn’t know when I’m being silly. Again, the question arises, is it ok to just go out with someone, have fun, kiss, etc when you know it won’t go anywhere? Or do I only go out with guys that I would actually consider more with? Who has the answer to this??? Sigh.

 

 

 

4 things..........

Four jobs I've had:

Burger King – First job at 16!

Video Store
International Marketing – First grown up job!
Mortgage Lender – Love it love it.


Four movies I can watch over and over:

Jerry Maguire
Sound of Music

Chicago

Napoleon Dynamite (me and the kids love it!)

Four places I have lived:

Mexico – with my mom and grandma for a short time while my dad was in the army

California – Army brat
Oregon – snow

Texas – and Still here!

Four television shows I love to watch:

Lost – A little mundane, but I am loyal

Sex and the City – I never watched it while it was ON, but now I love it!

Gray’s Anatomy – missed the first season, saw the season finale and I was hooked!

King of Queens

Sopranos – My #1 favorite!!

I know that was more than 4

Four places I have been on holiday:

Acapulco

Los Angeles
Mexico

Now do you see why I have more than 4 shows?

Four of my favorite dishes:

Roast and gravy!
Fettuccini Alfredo

Fajitas!

Surely there’s more?

Four places I would rather be right now:
Does there have to be four?

In bed x 4

Four pet peeves:
Lying

People who talk too much about themselves and don’t know one thing about you

When people don’t call first (about anything)

Chewing with mouth open

 

Anyone else??

I didn't get to go to the banquet after all. It was funny, I even got W to watch the kids. He did call at one point to ask if I had a date. I said no and he said he wouldn't have watched them if I was going on a date. I promised him I wasn't THAT tacky. THEN, as I was getting ready, he called and said he wasn't going to be able to make it. I was so MAD! I was like, you couldn't have called earlier??? He said no. I hung up and stood there, about to cry and ruin my make up when he rang the door bell! UGH! It was April Fools. Sigh.
Anyway, on the way there, there was a huge car accident somewhere ahead of me. There were 17 people injured, several dead because a truck full of kids in the BACK ran a stop sign on a busy highway. It was sickening. I was going to have to travel all over Houston just to get there and when I missed my exit after being stuck for almost an hr I said forget it and turned back to go home. I was so disgusted. I had new bra and panties and my eyebrows waxed and my dress that didn't fit last year but is a little big on me this year and no where to go. Sigh. Oh well. Instead I watched Kong with Sam and played Monopoly till I ran out of money and was exhausted. The next night we grilled fajitas at Bev's and her long ago ex who is a cousin to her present love came over. Many years ago, he came on to me BIG TIME (I think I was 16 and spending the night with his sister) - he'd since been in jail for armed robbery and well, lets say we've taken WAY different paths in life. He spoke to me hesitantly and I was a smart aleck and later, he said several things that made me think he was checking me out. OMG. PLEASE. Don't worry, I would NEVER. But let's not forget I am an attention whore so that did make my day a LITTLE.

A little drama at work because I caught two files who are illegally using other socials. That pisses me off because those are two bonuses I won't get and I have wasted so much time on them. The illegals are rampant right now.
I better go, I am trying to watch Sopranos and it's almost 10 but feels like 9 and Daylight Savings Time you are a bitter old bitch.

Gnight.

W came over to visit last night and he was all dressed up and starched and ironed, even had his cowboy hat on. And his hair is growing in. What a 180 from when he was completely bald with a new earring in the top part of his ear trying to dress like a thug. I did tell you about that, right? Anyway, I was in the kitchen making dinner when he came in behind me and dropped a bomb…

“So is ______ your dancer name?”

 

Oh. My. God. ________ is my online dating username. I was totally taken off guard. I didn’t even know what to say. I said “Shut up, stop reading my email.” He goes “How could I? I’m not checking your email. I FOUND YOU.”

All I could say was “I was afraid of that.” And that’s all that was said. But, I noticed that he was more irritable which made me irritable. I hate it when he tells the kids to stop doing something (hitting the ball against the wall) or corrects them. I know he’s their dad, but I’m getting used to it being MY house and ME telling the kids what to do and not to do.

I couldn’t help freaking out a little, wondering what he thought of my profile. Did he think my picture was ugly? Or cute? Did he think my answers were phony? Or accurate? Does he wonder if I’ve gotten any action from it? I don’t know why I care. I know this sounds totally WHACK but I don’t want to hurt him. No matter what he’s done to me, how he hurt me, I don’t want to hurt HIM or anyone. He’s a total idiot but I know his heart. And I know how hurt he’s been in the past by others. And I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t know. It’s weird. I had suspected he was lonely because I checked the history one day when I knew he was online and he googled “Hello” “Are you out there” and “Love”. He also looked at a local dating thing. So, I know he was probably gonna find me if he tried other sites. I meant to change my zip code (I used a neighboring one anyway) but I kept forgetting….

While he was there, I watched “the new adventures of the old Christine” where she finally has a great funny boyfriend and her ex freaks out about it. They agree to go out on a double date with him and his new girl and they end up having all these inside jokes and stories and the new dates feel left out. And her and her ex talk about how they can’t keep having this connection, they can’t call each other when something gross is on tv, etc. And the whole time, me and W are sitting there silent. Sigh.

 

Well, my wonderful guy from the online thing has NOT written me since last Saturday. I am so pissed. Soooooo I listened to My Girl Friday and gave Mr. Boring One Liner Emails a chance. I mean, I was basically blowing him off like I was getting blown off by Mr. Wonderful. And I am pleased to announce that we are chatting on company time at this very moment. LOL

My ass hurts from sitting here all day and I have a CUTE customer coming in at 5 (my quitting time, thank you very much) and I have to cook dinner for my and Bev’s brood tonight, so I will be back!! Have a lovely relaxing weekend. I have a formal work thing Saturday so I will try to get my drink on and show my ass in true divorcee style. Thank you and shut up.