For Your Guys Only

I think it’s safe to say that every male with a female companion has been through this nightmare. Girl tries on a new dress or shirt or blouse or some other random covering, steps out in front of you when you’re in the middle of watching a game or sweating over some power tools, and prompts you with the deathly, “How does this look?” question. And you wind up saying the wrong thing and you’re left living in the aftermath for the next hours or days or however long it takes to recover.

Some guys, even the most experienced, may lead to you believe that there’s only one answer to this question. “You look wonderful!” But even this doesn’t work in all situations, especially with females. Keep in mind, your significant other can likely sniff out a lie better than you realize. And if you don’t believe me, watch how females relate to each other. Take any two females and have them spend the day with each other. It doesn’t matter if they’ve been best friends since they were kids, I guarantee they will lie to each other multiple times throughout the day, and both of them know it. But this is how they relate. One says something like, “I’d never eat anything like that,” and the other will filter these words through their built-in BS filter and hear instead, “I try not to eat that kind of food but sometimes I cheat and eat it anyhow.”

As a guy, when a female volleys the question “How does this look?” and you blurt out “You look wonderful!” you better believe she’ll sniff through your lie if you think clothing X is horrendous. So what do you do? How should you react?

The key most guys miss is what the female is doing when they ask the question. She isn’t asking a guy’s opinion. In fact, she could care less what you think. Especially if she’s known you long enough to realize that she doesn’t value your taste in clothes, which in many cases not without cause. What she’s really saying is this: “I want you to validate my opinion.” You can count on your girl already having an opinion about the piece of clothing she’s showing you. If she didn’t, she wouldn’t have tried it on in the first place. So all she really wants is for you to support her opinion.

The next thing you’ll ask is, “Well… what is her opinion?” This is the tricky part. Tricky because it requires this: You need to interpret her opinion and do it fast – you only have the second or two between her asking and you answering. This interpretation often comes from the look on her face, they way she asks the question, the way she shows you the clothing. And only sure way to do this within the allotted time is to get to her inside and out. Learn how to read her. Learn how to pick up on the subtleties that are always there in females.

I will admit that the old standby response of “You look wonderful!” does in fact work most of the time. This is because by the time the clothing makes it off the rack and onto your girl’s body, chances are her opinion is positive. But many other times, she may still be unsure of her selection. It’s in these cases that “You look wonderful!” comes across as a bold-face lie and will likely lead to… well, let’s just say bad things. If you instead read her nonverbal signals and verbalize what you are picking up on, your words will undoubtedly ring truer with her. You could say, “You seem unsure about it,” which may prompt her to verbalize her opinion for you. And once she does this, all you have to do is agree with her. Again, she doesn’t want your opinion; only validation of her own.

So in short, get to know your girl. The old adage “Listening is the first step toward loving,” is truer than you may realize.

10 Tips for Warding Off Telemarketers

We all hate them: telemarketers, telephone political surveys, telephone charity solicitors, and any other telephone-enabled sales folk. They infiltrate your home and usually at the most inconvenient times, like in the middle of dinner or a nap or an intimate moment with your spouse. We’ve even come up with laws to ward them off, like no call lists, but these companies and organizations still find sneaky ways of calling you up anyhow.

I’ve assembled a few tips for shooing off these callers. And based on personal experience with all of these, some work very well.

1.    Of course, there’s the old standby: Just hang up. This technique often feels wrong since we’re conditioned not to treat people, especially strangers, with such rudeness. But quite honestly, it’s just as rude for a sales person calling you AT HOME when you’ve got a million other things that you need to be doing other than dealing with someone selling you something you don’t need. Just do it.

2.    Claim you have a bad connection. A detailed explanation is not needed, simply answer every question with a “What?” or “Excuse me?” This may take some patience on your end, but eventually the caller will either suggest that he/she should call back or will hang up on you in frustration. If the phone rings immediately after the hang up, don’t answer.

3.    Interrupt the caller’s spiel with questioning your relationship to the caller and claim that this is a personal line for only personal calls. For example:

·         You: Excuse me, but do I know you?

·         Caller: Uh, no…

·         You: No. And I’m sure you don’t know me. This is my personal number, so until we meet in person, never call me back again (hang up)

4.    If you happen to speak another language, particularly an uncommon language like Taushiro or Huttese, then just ramble on. In many cases, it will take the caller several questions to conclude that you don’t speak his/her language and give up. But be forewarned, some callers are fairly stubborn and often stupid and may resort to screaming at you to try to get you to understand what he/she is trying to shovel your way.

5.    Claim you’re not the person the caller is requesting, ask him/her to hold on while you get this person, and then hang up. It may take the caller a while to realize that instead fetching the requested person you’ve just hung up on him/her. If your phone rings after the hang up, don’t answer.

6.    If you’re feeling particularly creative, make up some sort of random scenario and act it out while you’re on the call. For example:

·         Caller: I’m calling from Company X-Y-Z to let you in on a fantastic promotion that we are…

·         You: Get back in that cage, Cledus! How many times I gotta tell you? Drink all the blood. Every drop! Or else I’ll ram a fifth corn dog where the sun don’t shine! And believe me I’ll make it fit!

·         Caller: Uh… I can see you’re busy… click!

7.    Abruptly share intimate details of your life and childhood, the more embarrassing and disturbing, the better. Be warned that this may backfire, depending on the curiosity and compassion of the caller, he/she may share some unwanted advice.

8.    At any time during the call, start singing a song, the more annoying the better. This works best when you A) select a common childhood song and B) only sing part of it repeatedly. For example: “I’m a little teapot short and stout… I’m a little teapot short and stout… I’m a little teapot short and stout… I’m a little teapot short and stout…” You get the point.

9.    If you have a lot of time, answer every question and every pause with the ultimate question: “Why?” This will often lead the caller on for quite some time and since they’re often eager to answer this question anyhow, it will take them a while to figure out your game.

10. When he/she reaches the point when you’re supposed to select one of his/her company’s fine produces, immediately attempt to sell something to him/her. For example:

·         Caller: So how many steak knives should I put you down for?

·         You: I bet you’re thinking right now, “What would I give for comfortable bed?”

·         Caller: Uh?

·         You: I’ve got a mattress in the garage that’s got your name all over it. Well, your name and a few pee stains.

Keep in mind, a sale person’s goal is to maintain control of the conversation. This is why he/she will only ask you questions that already he/she knows the answer and he/she will talk and talk forever without letting you get a word in edgewise. Conversely, your goal should be to take back the control. Whether you have to say or do something completely off the wall or outright butt into his/her speech, the goal is to take control. And once you have it, you’re free to blow him/her off and get on with your life.

Not Another Presidential Ad

It’s not even November and I’m sure many are already sick of the politically-driven ads and mudslinging. Some of the nonsense is entertaining, if you like that kind of thing, but most is just irritating. But regardless your political ties and beliefs, it seems like everyone has an opinion about the president. We treat them like soiled tissue; unloading the nation’s and the world’s problems on them and tossing them aside once another promise-maker comes along with a better slogan. But if you know anything about the presidency, you’ve got to realize how ludicrous it is to assume that so many problems of 308 million people lies on the back of only one person.

Take one common issue that easily flames debate: unemployment. There’s no doubt that the president’s actions, the programs he heads up or pushes for funding, or the policies he puts into place affects large swathes of people and whether or not these people keep or lose their jobs. But to say that the president is solely responsible for the all people unemployed is ridiculous. In fact the health of an economy is far more dictated by interest rates, which the president doesn’t control, and the enterprising efforts – or the lack of efforts – of millions rather than the actions of one person.

Nevertheless, presidents have been and will likely always be judged by factors he or she has no control over. Of course it’s always easier blaming a highly visible target than yourself for your personal woes.

And this is why I strongly recommend the following:
1. Go out to a store and buy a teddy bear.
2. Bring said bear home and give him a name, like Ralph.   
3. And then whenever anything bad happens in your life, just blame Ralph. In fact, if it’s particularly bad, just totally rip into old Ralphie. Give him a few whacks to the head and dropkick him across the room for good measure.

You may wonder why I’m recommending that you do such terrible things to a cute, fluffy teddy bear. Well… why not? It’s about as affective as blaming the president. Plus, it’s a better way to get your aggression out without being tackled by secret service personnel for dropkicking an actual president.

Hurricane's a'comin', Run for the Hills!

So it looks like there’s another hurricane heading toward Florida, with possibly two other systems behind it trailing behind. I’m going to take a terrible risk and take a moment to rip into everyone’s favorite reporter, the weather guy. I know there’s a lot to meteorology and weather systems and air pressure and changes of patterns, yadda-yadda-yadda. But there’s one part of a meteorologist’s job that, shall I say, any idiot could do. And that’s track hurricanes.

Hurricane tracking even today appears to be nothing more than watching that big-old spiraling mess of clouds move along commonly followed tracks through satellite photos.  I can’t be only one who thinks this. And determining the projected path requires nothing more than asking the computer to do some modeling. Heck. I’m actually more impressed by the software gurus who implemented the computer models than the weather guy who’s using it. At the same time there’s these hurricane “prediction experts” who once a year put on their beanie caps and tell the whole world how many hurricanes and tropical storms they foresee will be barreling our way. And people actually believe these jokers, despite the fact that they’re about as accurate as a blind man attempting to solve a Rubik’s Cube. Ridiculous.

Anyhow, I’ll get off my pedestal and, in all seriousness, mention that’s now’s the time to stock up on hurricane supplies. If and you’ve lived in Florida or anywhere within a hundred miles of an ocean, you SHOULD know what these are; water, canned foods, flashlights, batteries, radio. But here are a few tips that you may not have considered:

·         Cell Phones May Not Work: These little gadgets have become such an integral part of our everyday lives, it’s hard to imagine not being able to use them. But if a storm knocks out the power to the closest cell phone towers, you’re the only thing you’ll be using your phone for is Angry Birds.

·         Stock Up on Toilet Paper: May sound like a silly item, but try to picture yourself without it. Try to imagine what you’d be using instead of toilet paper and very quickly you’ll realize the importance of this staple.

·         Get to Know Your Neighbors by Name: This may sound like an idealistic goal that everyone knows they should be doing anyhow. But trust me from someone who’s been through a few storms. When you have a tree where, say, your bedroom used to be, having a couple nearby buddies with chainsaws and muscle can make a huge difference.

·         Have Some Card/Board Games Handy: Like with the cell phones, imagine a world with no electricity. And depending on the storm’s severity and impact on your town, you may be twiddling your thumbs for days on end.

And to wrap up, here’s another weird look into my sense of humor: