The Joys of Minimum Wage

As a rule, I never insult or give a hard time to anyone doing something for me, especially if that person is working a minimum wage job. It’s pretty safe to assume that most folks working minimum wage don’t care much about their job. And why should they? Most of these jobs force people to work their tails off and pay next to nothing. And if this hard working person happens to get fired over, say spitting in your food after you yelled at him/her, it’s no biggie. There’s always another minimum wage job somewhere around the corner with the same crap work and insulting pay.

Having at least one of these jobs is, in my opinion, essential. It gives you a little perspective every time you have to wait an extra thirty seconds because a McDonald’s employee accidentally gave you a cheeseburger instead of a Big Mac. It’s certainly understandable to think, “C’mon. This ain’t rocket science. Would you step on it!” Particularly when you have hundred other things going on in your life and dealing with someone messing up is yet another headache you don’t need. But please, cut these people a break. These are undoubtedly horrible jobs and, if you’re not currently working one yourself, be thankful you’re not.

Fabulous Funerals

I enjoy funerals. Many people, in fact probably most people, hate them so much they go out of their way to avoid them. But before you decide that I must be some kind of heartless sick-o who seeks pleasure at the expense of the bereaved, allow me to explain.

Nobody ever gets up during a funeral to say a few words and belts out, “Wow. What a bastard!” Speeches always focus on how wonderful the person was, what he/she accomplished, and his/her influences and legacies. It’s hard to listen to these kind of stories and memories without thinking, “Wow. What an amazing life.” They give you perspective of your own life and may even inspire you to achieve your goals and dreams that you’ve been ignoring.

I most certainly appreciate the grief that people feel at these events. Loss is one of my greatest fears, especially the loss of someone I love. But it’s at these most painful low points in our lives where greatness begins. The most prominent life-changing moments in my life have been when I’ve come face to face with a loss.

So there you are at a funeral, possibly at the one of the most pivot moment in your life, and you hear speech after speech of how wonderful the recently deceased was. How can you not think this is wonderful moment? Painful? Yes. Difficult? Definitely. But the best things in life are never easy.

The Spice of Life

We’ve all heard the trite saying: variety is the spice of life. But how often do we act on this notion? I’m certainly guilty of being so predicable that I could step into most restaurants and a family or friend could guess what I want without hesitation. I even find myself getting angry when I drive into work see someone has parked in my spot. And if the local Publix stops stocking my favorite toothpaste, watch out.

Have you ever gone through the day and paid attention to all the little things that you do just out of routine? They kinda creep up on you. And they are typically little things like the order you put on your shoes or which seat you use at the dinner table or how many squares of toilet paper you use at a time. Since they are little things, ever try to mix things up here and there? It doesn’t have to be over the top, like going sky diving when you usually do something a little less risky like floss your teeth, although the latter is more likely to draw blood.

But I digress. Just look for all the little things that you do routinely. Especially the things that you may not even know why you’re doing it the way you’re doing it. Why? Well, why not? You may discover a better way of doing things. Or at the very least, you may discover the trite saying about a spicy life isn’t so trite after all.

We All Hate Math

Math. One of the scariest words for many kids and adults worldwide. Over the years I have had the unfortunate pleasure of tutoring various friends and kids and other unwilling participants with various math subjects. Not that I’ve ever liked math myself; I’ve always found it a boring necessity. I was just one of the weird kids who “got it”. The main problem with math is it’s pretty hard to BS it. In most other subjects, there’s always a degree of wiggle room where you can just make up something, and as long as it makes sense and you can talk other people into it, you’re gold. Even in science, there’re theories and hypotheses that sprout from someone coming up with what they think is true. This doesn’t seem to work with math. And for the creative at heart, figuring out problem after problem just isn’t worth the effort. Thus math is an evil beast contrived by the devil himself.

For those you who hate folks like me who do “get it”, rest assured that there is at least some justice in life. Because many of my friends and family have pegged me as the math guy, I’ve had the painful job of teaching the subject in various forms to these math haters. And believe me, teaching math to people who are repelled by it is about as easy as taking the square root of a negative number – yes, a corny math reference that roughly means that it’s impossible without using a little “i”magination (ba-dum, dum). As I struggle through these teachings, I continually ask myself, “So, how many different ways can I explain this until this guy/girl gets it?” So in short, I hate math as much as anyone else. Not only because it’s boring but because I’m often stuck dealing with it more.

Nevertheless, it’s pretty hard to live without math. Try to and you’ll end up gullible and poor, always paying more for things, even taxes – like people who play the lottery. It’s one of those subjects that won’t go away no matter what you do, particularly if you have kids and have to relive the horrors known as math. But at least you can take small comfort in knowing that you’re not alone. Trust me, it’s mathematically impossible.

Are You Ready for Some Football?

I admit it, I like watching football (American football). In fact, it’s probably the only sport that I do like to watch, and this is coming from someone who’s been a runner for the past 20 years. Most running is about as entertaining to watch as watching the natural progression of tooth decay. But football, watching oversized humanoids bash their bodies into submission just to get an inflated pig’s bladder down a field, now that’s entertainment. And apparently a few people agree, considering it’s the most popular sport in America – according to their website, the NFL generates about ten BILLION dollars a year. That number alone practically makes my nose bleed. I told you it was a violent sport.

I’ve read in several places how American football is so amazingly popular in America because the sport caters toward the overweight. Without their uniforms and padding, a typical football lineup resembles a fat camp with a few more tattoos. And only thing scarier than meeting these big boys down a dark alley is meeting up with their fans, who can easily outweigh the players. Football fandom is a sport in itself, requiring chips, pretzels, beer, ridiculous clothing, and accessories that may or may not compare the opposing team with a box of truffles without the nuts. A good screaming voice is also imperative, regardless if you’re actually at the game or not. To this day, my mom – who is one of the sweetest, loving people I know – is undoubtedly the queen of yelling at the TV every Sunday during football season. And the things she would say… well, I’m just glad those tender gentlemen in uniform can’t hear her.

Anyhow, I guess my point is football is entertaining. So turn on the tube, snap open a beer, and yell away.

Friendships

As I get older, I’m amazed how fleeting friendships can be. Friendships usually consist of scattered ornaments formed from intersecting lives. Some of our deepest friendships come from some of our most pivotal moments in our lives when you happen to be experiencing something at the same time and place as someone else. At least it is for me. I’m not trying trivialize friendships; I think they’re some of the most important things of life. But they are also some of the most fragile.

When I think back at all the friends that I’ve had over the years, I wonder where they all went. Fortunately, social media technologies now like Facebook have helped to reconnect us with people that we might have assumed we’d never see again. And sometimes, this is actually a good thing. Still, often when I “friend” someone on Facebook or vice versa, I may think, “Oh, wow. Look who it is.” And then life goes on. The friendship may or may not get rekindled. These prospects are particularly dim if our lives are in different places now, moving in different directions, and they often are which is why we haven’t seen each other in years in the first place.

In my life, I could probably count on one hand how many deep friendships I’ve had. I typically categorize this as my “best friends”. Perhaps this is just me, but nearly all of the friends I make are not who’d I would consider “best friends”. This, I’m sure, is mostly my doing. I’m not one to open myself too much to people if I don’t need to. I have a feeling I’m not the only one who does this. But those who I do connect with wholeheartedly, I’m forever changed because I had the pleasure of having this person in my life. And I’m thankful that one of my best friends is my wife.

Still, I can’t help but wonder why I’m no longer friends with so many other people I’ve had in my life. Particularly, my previous best friends. How did I lose them? How did we go from being inseparable to strangers? Perhaps it’s just me missing something that I no longer have. We all hate loss. So do I miss the friends, or just miss not having them?

Nevertheless, having these friends is wonderful. In fact, I’d encourage you to take the following challenge: Make a list of the best friends that you’ve had in your life. Then write a word or two describing something about you that's different now because you had these friends. I think you’ll be surprised how valuable these friendships really were, or are. I know I am.

For Your Guys Only

I think it’s safe to say that every male with a female companion has been through this nightmare. Girl tries on a new dress or shirt or blouse or some other random covering, steps out in front of you when you’re in the middle of watching a game or sweating over some power tools, and prompts you with the deathly, “How does this look?” question. And you wind up saying the wrong thing and you’re left living in the aftermath for the next hours or days or however long it takes to recover.

Some guys, even the most experienced, may lead to you believe that there’s only one answer to this question. “You look wonderful!” But even this doesn’t work in all situations, especially with females. Keep in mind, your significant other can likely sniff out a lie better than you realize. And if you don’t believe me, watch how females relate to each other. Take any two females and have them spend the day with each other. It doesn’t matter if they’ve been best friends since they were kids, I guarantee they will lie to each other multiple times throughout the day, and both of them know it. But this is how they relate. One says something like, “I’d never eat anything like that,” and the other will filter these words through their built-in BS filter and hear instead, “I try not to eat that kind of food but sometimes I cheat and eat it anyhow.”

As a guy, when a female volleys the question “How does this look?” and you blurt out “You look wonderful!” you better believe she’ll sniff through your lie if you think clothing X is horrendous. So what do you do? How should you react?

The key most guys miss is what the female is doing when they ask the question. She isn’t asking a guy’s opinion. In fact, she could care less what you think. Especially if she’s known you long enough to realize that she doesn’t value your taste in clothes, which in many cases not without cause. What she’s really saying is this: “I want you to validate my opinion.” You can count on your girl already having an opinion about the piece of clothing she’s showing you. If she didn’t, she wouldn’t have tried it on in the first place. So all she really wants is for you to support her opinion.

The next thing you’ll ask is, “Well… what is her opinion?” This is the tricky part. Tricky because it requires this: You need to interpret her opinion and do it fast – you only have the second or two between her asking and you answering. This interpretation often comes from the look on her face, they way she asks the question, the way she shows you the clothing. And only sure way to do this within the allotted time is to get to her inside and out. Learn how to read her. Learn how to pick up on the subtleties that are always there in females.

I will admit that the old standby response of “You look wonderful!” does in fact work most of the time. This is because by the time the clothing makes it off the rack and onto your girl’s body, chances are her opinion is positive. But many other times, she may still be unsure of her selection. It’s in these cases that “You look wonderful!” comes across as a bold-face lie and will likely lead to… well, let’s just say bad things. If you instead read her nonverbal signals and verbalize what you are picking up on, your words will undoubtedly ring truer with her. You could say, “You seem unsure about it,” which may prompt her to verbalize her opinion for you. And once she does this, all you have to do is agree with her. Again, she doesn’t want your opinion; only validation of her own.

So in short, get to know your girl. The old adage “Listening is the first step toward loving,” is truer than you may realize.

Chick-fil-a Junkie

I don’t know about you, but I’ve become a bit of a Chick-fil-a junkie. Though I know it’d surely be the death of me, I have no problem consuming the chickadee goodness week after week. And naturally there’s no other day that I crave for it more than on Sundays, the day the world must live without. Over the years I’ve come across several people who share the same sick cravings and most are convinced that those evil cows inject some sort of addictive substance in the chicken. And I’d agree that there’s something in there. And it’s not the Mickey-D sort of chemicals where you eat and then you’re hungry again a few hours later. It’s more cunning. It’s the type that weans you along week after week that somehow prevents your taste buds from getting tired of it. Such evil should be punished! Banished! Exiled! Well, maybe not exiled. Or banished. Or even punished. I mean, it’s only chicken after all. Besides, I want my Chick-fil-a.

Disney, the Fakest Place on Earth

I often tell people, if you’re looking for a screaming, crying, whining kid, look no further than Disney, the “happiest” place on Earth. I have mixed feelings of Disney. It is undoubtedly a monstrous conglomerate with a facade of happiness that cranks out superficially artist movies and annoyingly poppy music. But really, is that always a bad thing? When searching for a nice, sterile environment that at least feels better than the rest of the world, there’s almost no better place.

Take vacationing, for instance. There are many who travel to tropical resorts to places like Mexico or the Bahamas to enjoy a little slice of paradise. But in reality, when most folks visit these places, they never see the extreme poverty or drug gangs or homelessness or crime of Mexico or the Bahamas. Instead, they stick to the candy-coated resorts that shield them away from the realities of their “paradise”. How is this different than Disney, a place that screen their employees based on physical appearance and place more emphasize on cleanliness than the quality of their food?

And then there’s Disney’s music, something that often hits me like a wasp to the ear. Yet I find myself playing this music for my kids… on purpose. Why? For the same reason that when my kids are in the car, I flip the radio to either local Christian pop station or find something from the 50’s or 60’s. These options are often already filtered and sanitized for my kid’s ears.

And then there’re the gems in Disney productions. There are a lot of Disney movies and other creations that are… well, garbage. Things that are so bad I feel insulted having wasted my time on it. The ending of Lilo and Stitch for one. But through the muck, there are certainly productions that are wonderful. The Fox and the Hound remains one of my favorite movies of all time. And I occasionally catch myself singing “Chim Chimney” on a particularly good day. And in spite of the distaste toward crowds, I’ll openly admit that I have annual passes to the parks that I take my family to enough times that both of my kids could easily be park tour guides.

So, love it or hate it, Disney is Disney, forever earning and spending billions on fake happiness for millions of families and other nuts who need a little sanitized get away. And I would openly admit that I too am one of these nuts.