Things I Thought I'd Never Say

Ever find yourself saying things that you never thought that you’d say? If you happen to be a parent, the answer to this is almost certainly yes. These moments kinda creep up on you and they often surprise you more than the person or people to which it’s directed. Here is every single phrase that I’ve spoken over the most recent years that have shocked me:

1. When you’re in the bath, use soap: This is obviously directed toward my kids. It only amazes me that I’ve said this, but I have to say this – every single night – otherwise, it won’t happen. I can understand forgetting this from a kid’s perspective. To them, bathtub is playtime. Doing responsible things like cleaning oneself comes second. But seriously… every night?!

2. I believe we have a misunderstanding: I’ve uttered this immortal phrase about a million times at work. It roughly translates into: Get your head out of your rear and listen to what I’m saying! Although I use the word “we”, I’ve never use this when I misunderstood something. If this happens, I simply apologize and move on. Unfortunately, when the jerk across the table or on the other end of the phone isn’t getting it, out comes this phrase followed by me speaking as if I were addressing a four-year-old.

That just about sums it up. You may be telling yourself, “Really? Just two?” But honestly, if you knew me well enough you’d realize that I’m not easily surprised by any of the off the wall, bizarre utterances that I might have rattled out. I know probably better than everybody how strange I can be.