10 Tips for Warding Off Telemarketers

We all hate them: telemarketers, telephone political surveys, telephone charity solicitors, and any other telephone-enabled sales folk. They infiltrate your home and usually at the most inconvenient times, like in the middle of dinner or a nap or an intimate moment with your spouse. We’ve even come up with laws to ward them off, like no call lists, but these companies and organizations still find sneaky ways of calling you up anyhow.

I’ve assembled a few tips for shooing off these callers. And based on personal experience with all of these, some work very well.

1.    Of course, there’s the old standby: Just hang up. This technique often feels wrong since we’re conditioned not to treat people, especially strangers, with such rudeness. But quite honestly, it’s just as rude for a sales person calling you AT HOME when you’ve got a million other things that you need to be doing other than dealing with someone selling you something you don’t need. Just do it.

2.    Claim you have a bad connection. A detailed explanation is not needed, simply answer every question with a “What?” or “Excuse me?” This may take some patience on your end, but eventually the caller will either suggest that he/she should call back or will hang up on you in frustration. If the phone rings immediately after the hang up, don’t answer.

3.    Interrupt the caller’s spiel with questioning your relationship to the caller and claim that this is a personal line for only personal calls. For example:

·         You: Excuse me, but do I know you?

·         Caller: Uh, no…

·         You: No. And I’m sure you don’t know me. This is my personal number, so until we meet in person, never call me back again (hang up)

4.    If you happen to speak another language, particularly an uncommon language like Taushiro or Huttese, then just ramble on. In many cases, it will take the caller several questions to conclude that you don’t speak his/her language and give up. But be forewarned, some callers are fairly stubborn and often stupid and may resort to screaming at you to try to get you to understand what he/she is trying to shovel your way.

5.    Claim you’re not the person the caller is requesting, ask him/her to hold on while you get this person, and then hang up. It may take the caller a while to realize that instead fetching the requested person you’ve just hung up on him/her. If your phone rings after the hang up, don’t answer.

6.    If you’re feeling particularly creative, make up some sort of random scenario and act it out while you’re on the call. For example:

·         Caller: I’m calling from Company X-Y-Z to let you in on a fantastic promotion that we are…

·         You: Get back in that cage, Cledus! How many times I gotta tell you? Drink all the blood. Every drop! Or else I’ll ram a fifth corn dog where the sun don’t shine! And believe me I’ll make it fit!

·         Caller: Uh… I can see you’re busy… click!

7.    Abruptly share intimate details of your life and childhood, the more embarrassing and disturbing, the better. Be warned that this may backfire, depending on the curiosity and compassion of the caller, he/she may share some unwanted advice.

8.    At any time during the call, start singing a song, the more annoying the better. This works best when you A) select a common childhood song and B) only sing part of it repeatedly. For example: “I’m a little teapot short and stout… I’m a little teapot short and stout… I’m a little teapot short and stout… I’m a little teapot short and stout…” You get the point.

9.    If you have a lot of time, answer every question and every pause with the ultimate question: “Why?” This will often lead the caller on for quite some time and since they’re often eager to answer this question anyhow, it will take them a while to figure out your game.

10. When he/she reaches the point when you’re supposed to select one of his/her company’s fine produces, immediately attempt to sell something to him/her. For example:

·         Caller: So how many steak knives should I put you down for?

·         You: I bet you’re thinking right now, “What would I give for comfortable bed?”

·         Caller: Uh?

·         You: I’ve got a mattress in the garage that’s got your name all over it. Well, your name and a few pee stains.

Keep in mind, a sale person’s goal is to maintain control of the conversation. This is why he/she will only ask you questions that already he/she knows the answer and he/she will talk and talk forever without letting you get a word in edgewise. Conversely, your goal should be to take back the control. Whether you have to say or do something completely off the wall or outright butt into his/her speech, the goal is to take control. And once you have it, you’re free to blow him/her off and get on with your life.