Lousy Kid Movies

“When I was a kid…” The immortal words that every generation slaps down on the ones before. Because I’m an unequivocal movie junkie, I think about this with my kids when it comes to movies and TV. In fact, my kids undoubtedly have a distorted view of how old the movies they see really are since my wife and I “release” movies to them not based on when they come out but based on their content. Are they mature enough to handle it? I can only imagine years from now seeing them look back over their childhood and reminisce when they first saw movies like Pollyanna and The Wizard of Oz, movies that predate me.

But really, can you blame me? You’ve got shows like “High School Musical” that have so many ridiculous character motivations, it’s a wonder anyone believes any of it. And “Dora the Explorer”, a series of condescending, repetitive tales of a Latino girl who’s always lost and is continually trying to cross a river; no stereotypes there.

Yet, despite my negative comments toward today’s supposed “kid friendly” programs, I am very much aware of some of the garbage that was out when I was my kids’ age. In fact, I’d like to list out a few of the ones that stand out in my memory:

1. All Dogs Go to Heaven: There are so many sexually-oriented jokes, drug references, and outright violence in this movie, I can’t believe it’s even a cartoon. If you’ve seen this movie as a kid and are scratching your head over what I’m talking about, go ahead. Watch it again. You’d be surprised.

2. Little Monsters: Chances are, you may not have even heard of this one staring Fred Savage. If you haven’t seen it, don’t. Unless you’re looking for a good drinking game involving taking shots every time a stupid sound affect or an equally annoying line is blabbered out.

3. Caddyshack 2: The original Caddyshack had a non-existent plot with weird characters but was redeemed by snapping one-liners, hilarious acting, and very quotable dialog. The sequel had all the bad attributes of the original without the good.

4. Problem Child: The problem with this child is he’s annoying. It’s a little humorous watching John Ritter’s character trying to pick up the pieces of this little pest, but the pest itself is just someone you want to turn off.

5. The Garbage Pail Kids Movie: This may hurt some people’s feelings who were emotionally attached to these social rejects, but honestly they live up to their name. The Garbage Pail Kids were designed to be revolting and stupid and that’s just what they are.

6. Ernest Scared Stupid: I’m actually an Ernest fan myself, but this one should be forgotten. What’s crummy is the movie actually starts out well, but once the “scary” stuff really starts up, it gets idiotic very fast with some of the worst acting I’ve ever seen.

7. Superman IV: I imagine the makers of this movie thought, let’s take away everything cool about Superman and have him support the environment instead. Whoever wrote this garbage should have been dragged out and shot.

8. Erik the Viking: A Terry Jones movie with John Cleese and Tim Robbins. Where can they go wrong? Somehow, they found a way. This is one of the most boring, confusing, and poorly made movies I’ve ever seen.

No doubt, there are many, many more of them out there. But these are the ones that really stand out from my childhood. Perhaps you recall a few duds yourself?